8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon - We Are The Mighty
Humor

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

Marines carry a lot of gear while on a combat deployment: body armor, weapons, and communication equipment — just to name a few.


With all that weight tallying up quickly and a lack of storage space to contain it all, Marines have to be picky about what they’re willing to haul around on those long missions.

At times, they’ll even negotiate with one another who carries what, but check out this list of what Marines have no problem taking with them regardless of how much it weights.

1. Energy drinks

Although water is the healthier choice — there’s nothing like a delicious energy drink to make that 12-hour mission seem more enjoyable and speed up time.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Perfect on a dry day (Source: Flickr)

 

2. Extra ammo

“I have too many bullets to shoot, Sergeant,” said no Marine ever.

Ammo is heavy, but the look on a grunt’s face when he’s unloading a full magazine at the ISIS: priceless.

Extra ammo, one thing Marines always carry
Isn’t it beautiful?

3. Smokes/Dip

Even if you didn’t indulge in tobacco products stateside, you’re probably going to light up a cigarette or pack your lip full of dip while on an extended patrol.

4. Things that make other things go boom

The weight of a few Claymores, grenades, and mortars can add up if you’re carrying a few extras in your mole pouches, but one thing Marines love and are proud of is their outstanding ability to blow sh*t up.

To that, we tip our hats.

5. Crystal lite packets

Because drinking water can get boring — really boring. Although it’s a healthier option than number #1.

6. Pogey bait

Many have never heard of this term.

Pogey bait is an assortment of cakes, candies, and nonmilitary foods.

7. Digital camera

Because recording those special little moments of bombing the hell out of ISIS are unique ones.

8. Baby wipes

You never know when you have to take a G.I. shower…or a field dump.

Bonus: G.P.S.

Just in case your 2nd Lieutenant can’t get you to the second checkpoint.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
(Source: Garmin)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

7 things you shouldn’t say to a troop about to deploy

Before service members ship out to the front lines, they typically go on pre-deployment leave, during which they’ll spend time with friends and family at various locations.


Most of those locations serve alcohol and when naive civilians get a little tipsy, they tend to make remarks and ask questions they probably shouldn’t.

Here are just a few of the things civilians should never say to troop about to deploy.

Related: 7 white lies recruiters tell and what they really mean

1. “Shooting at people sounds like so much fun.”

Grunts like to joke about how awesome it is to engage the enemy. However, the act tends to create various, collateral issues.

2. “If you’re good at Call of Duty, you shouldn’t have a problem during a firefight.”

No matter how good you are at any game or how well you’re trained, nothing can truly prepare you for the vigors of a real firefight.

What the f*ck did you just say?

3. “I bet it feels weird as hell to get blown up.”

Troops continuously think about getting wounded during their service. However, it isn’t a fun thing to have swimming around your mind, and it definitely isn’t something you want to think about while on leave.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

4. “I wanted to join the military, but I went to college instead.”

Even if they’re kidding around, you should consider backhanding whoever makes a dumb comment like that.

5. “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you run into a bad guy?”

No one can predict jacksh*t. Although running into a hostile is a possibility, your training will help you decide on a specific course of action when the situation presents itself.

6. “Dude, aren’t you nervous you’ll come back with, like, PTSD or something?”

Worst question to ask… ever!

Also Read: 7 reasons why you shouldn’t be too nice in the military

7. “How many people do you think you’re going to shoot?”

Second worst question to ask… ever!

He just lost faith in humanity.

popular

5 terribly hilarious gifts to scuff up a basic trainee

One of the great mysteries of the civilian world is the need for people to send care packages to new troops going through Basic Training or Boot Camp.


It’s not only counter-productive (the idea of isolated training is to transition a civilian into the military by specifically denying basic comforts and stimulating stressful environments such as combat), but it could also get them smoked — their Drill Sergeants or Instructors will go through every piece of mail.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
This is what motivation looks like. (U.S Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Reece Lodder)

Even if they are sent say, a stick of gum, their asses will be ridiculed and then sore from the insane amount of PT they’re about to do. If you really want to show that you love and care, wait until they’ve finished training and send it while they’re deployed.

But this list isn’t for the sweet and caring types. No. This is for the a-holes that warned them it wouldn’t be easy. This is for the a-holes that told them repeatedly to join another branch.

Why not show that you truly care about your young recruit by also helping their trainers mess with them? Get in on the fun! Be creative. Get in on the fun! Be creative. Just be sure to show up their graduation and have a laugh at their expense with their Drill Sergeant/Instructor.

1. Gear from another branch

Want to instill loyalty to the branch of service they enlisted in? Send a USMC t-shirt to the Army private. An Air Force hoodie to the Marine recruit.

Bonus points if they even joined the same branch as you. They’ll love their branch through Stockholm Syndrome.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

2. Cute childhood things

Want to make sure their nickname in Basic is ‘Princess’? Send them a cheap Disney blanket from Wal-Mart.

Who knows? They might actually be forced to keep it instead of the Olive Drab green blanket for maximum hilarity.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

3. Snivel gear

Basically, if they aren’t issued something. They can’t have it.

Mess with them by sending a scarf and a hand written note saying “Stay warm! 3”

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

4. Baked Goods

Quickest way to make sure they get their sweat stains the floor? Send them some homemade treats.

Oh. They won’t get to touch a single one. Drill Sergeant will more than likely eat them in front of their face and tell them how they tasted.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

5. Anything, uh, “Not Safe For Work”

There’s an article on MarriedtotheArmy.com where they give actual, thoughtful, smoke-free care packages. In it, they have a story about a girl sending used panties, which were promptly displayed to embarrass the young soldier.

Same goes for sex toys. Just imagine the look on the Drill Sergeants face when they find that…

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

There are a million different ways to mess with someone going through Basic Training or Boot Camp. Please let us know your favorites in the comment section!

Humor

6 signs she is more in love with your contract than you

Many service members can recall their recruiter’s insistence that they will be swarmed with the attention of beautiful women as soon as they graduate from basic. For the most part, this claim is incorrect.


However…

There are those who are absolutely into the fact that you signed on the dotted line. One can usually find them within close proximity to a military base, keeping always on the alert, and searching for their future spouse. Of course this would never happen to you but, if you think your buddy is in a relationship with someone like this, there are signs to look for:

Related: 5 things boot Marines buy with their first paycheck

6. She approaches you at a service bar

You walk into the bar just outside base, have a seat with your boys, you all are celebrating finally making it to fleet. You walk to the bar for another round when she taps you on the shoulder. She is gorgeous — you’ve never talked to girl like this, much less had one approach you. Must be your lucky day right? Well…

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

5. She asks if you are married, not if you’re single

Ok, maybe it’s just you — after all, you’re much more fit than you used to be and she doesn’t even know you serve. How could she? (haircut, farmer’s tan, affliction t-shirt) Then she asks if you are married. Not if you are single — but if you are married. This is a little to the point but maybe she just knows what she wants. Maybe she saw you and just fell in love.

4. She knows your contract better than you

You let her know that you are not married, that you live in the barracks, and have your meals at the chow hall. She informs you that if you were married you could live off base and could eat whatever you want, whenever you want.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
So I give you this and then I can get an apartment?

3. She explains BAH to you

You kindly explain to her that you wouldn’t be able to afford to live off base and the cost of groceries is also a little steep. She smiles at you the same way an adult does a child, pats you on the head and says, “Oh sweetie, you sweet ignorant little thing, the basic allowance for housing is X amount of dollars here which is more than enough for us to live in a small place, not to mention the basic allowance for subsistence which would get you off that prison food in the chow hall.”

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Yes, but you can’t PROVE anything… (Image via imgflip)

 

2. She proposes to you just before deployment.

So you’ve been dating now for two-weeks and things are getting serious. She sits on your rack and stares at her phone while you play video games in your barracks room. Things are perfect, until you hear her say it. “You should get married before you deploy.” (Pauses game, turns slowly)

“They’d pay you so much more: BAH, SAH, separations pay, hazardous duty pay, baby you’d clean up.”

Also Read: 5 things infantrymen love about the woobie

1. She needs health care

So you are married now, congratulations. First deployment is about to be underway, and where is your new bride? She was at the dentist on Monday, the dermatologist on Tuesday, optometrist Wednesday, and seems to have a healthy relationship with the ear nose and throat doctor. It may be time for you to make an appointment with the proctologist, because this is all highly suspect.

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of Aug. 4

Congrats to everyone who ETSed this week. For the rest of you, here’s a little soul-balm to get you through any weekend duties you got assigned.


13. It’s fine. All that yelling is just part of your life now (via ASMDSS).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
The good news is that you’re not going through the worst yet. It gets WAY worse.

12. Boots are gonna boot (via Coast Guard Memes).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
I mean, being nerdy in uniform is hardly the worst thing that guy could be getting into.

ALSO SEE: This is a perfect example of how ridiculous boot camp is

11. For instance, he could be giving into his newfound alcoholism (via Decelerate Your Life).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Don’t fall, branch. Only 15 more years until retirement.

10. It’s really the only proper way to greet a career counselor (via Decelerate Your Life).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
CS also works well if you happen to have access to it.

9. Junior enlisted have lots of idea (via Decelerate Your Life).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
It’s just that they’re mostly about how to best play screw, marry, kill.

8. The Marine Corps pays you to drive, not to think (via Military World).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Now hit the gas,. I’m about to run out of oxygen.

7. Why are Marines so cranky? They got all them nice sketches and no crayons to color them with (via Sh-t my LPO says).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Bon appetite.

6. To be honest, you only think she looks that good at homecoming (via Sh-t my LPO says).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
And the reintegration thing is her fault. We bought an extra controller and co-op games for a reason.

5. “Driver” and “passenger” sides aren’t good enough for you Navy? (via Sh-t my LPO says)

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

4. Any unit that lets you wear that to work is worth a second chance (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

3. This isn’t going to end well for anyone (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
There are so many better ways to get crackers, man.

2. With that haircut and those tan lines, the ID is pretty superfluous anyway (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Pretty sure those sailors sat down after their neighbors on the beach. No way the girls chose to sit next to them.

1. So, this one’s not technically a joke (via Air Force Nation).

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Just really great advice. D-mnit, finance.

Humor

Turns out, Osama bin Laden was a big fan of ‘Charlie Bit My Finger’

On Nov. 1, the CIA released a trove of files that former Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had on his computer at the time of his death, and among them are children’s programs like “Tom and Jerry,” crocheting instructions, and the 2007 viral YouTube video “Charlie Bit My Finger.”


Also read: The 5 weirdest books on Osama Bin Laden’s bookshelf

Although the majority of the documents, videos, images, and audio clips released by the CIA are related to bin Laden’s terror operations, some of the files are of a more benign nature. “Charlie Bit My Finger” appears under the file name “Tootin__Bathtub_Baby_Cousins.flv,” alongside numerous clips of the cartoon “Tom and Jerry” and Jackie Chan films. There are also instructions for crocheting butterflies, socks, and baskets.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Osama (left) and his son, Hamza bin Laden. Screengrab from YouTube.

The presence of so much children’s content can be explained by the fact that bin Laden was living with his family in the secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, where he was killed by US Navy Seal Team 6 in May 2011. Some of the videos in the files released by the CIA — like songs designed for children learning English — raise the possibility that bin Laden was schooling his children from the compound while he was in hiding.

Notably, the CIA decided not to release bin Laden’s large pornography stash in the Nov. 1 file dump.

Humor

6 of this year’s April Fools’ pranks around the military

April Fools’ Day has come a long way from the silly pranks we pulled in our youth. These days, pranks are much more sophisticated, landing on our news feeds from official sources who are allowed to let loose for a single day of the year. Everyone gets in on the fun — and the military and veteran community is no exception.


Here are some of the highlights from April Fools’ Day 2018:

Marlow White Uniforms

Marlow White Uniforms has been the official manufacturer of Army, Navy, and First Responder dress uniforms since 1879. That’s right, these are the guys responsible for the Army’s “throwback” to Pinks and Greens.

Chances are the people that got hyped by this video are the same people waiting on the sequel to Star Wars: Rogue One.

Ranger Up Military and MMA Apparel

Ranger Up stuck with an oldie-but-a-goodie.

Plenty of folks in the comment section caught on before it was too late. Others now have one of the catchiest 80s songs stuck in their head.

Terminal Lance

Terminal Lance has been setting up this joke for a while now. Previously, they ran a poll on whether the titular character, LCpl. Abe, should re-enlist. Overwhelmingly, fans didn’t want the comics to turn into a story about being a veteran.

Then, Uriarte published some comics about talking to a prior-service recruiter on Mar. 31 — followed by a few posts that said he was talking to a prior-service recruiter.

The joke actually has multiple layers considering it’s been a yearly tradition to give other ranks, branches, and even British Marines their time in the spotlight. Many expected Max to follow suite this year. Nope. April Fools’ Day doesn’t work like that (sorry to all of you still waiting on Terminal Airman comics).

Disgrunted Vets

There’s always been a healthy dose of confusion between Dysfunctional Veterans and Disgruntled Vets. The same thing happens on Reddit when people mix up Terminal_Lance and TLCplMax (Hint: the term isn’t exclusive to the webcomic).

Disgruntled Vets masterfully added to this confusion.

10th Combat Aviation Brigade

The U.S. Army has command over every realm of fighting — except one: underground.

They thought we wouldn’t notice if they took a still from a ShutterStock animation, but we did. Well played, 10th CAB. Well played.

Official Twitter of the U.S. Marine Corps

And the winner of this year’s April Fools’ Day, hands down, goes to the official Twitter of the United States Marine Corps.

While everyone was busy putting an immense amount of time into their pranks, all the Marine Corps social media team needed to do was say they were going to do just one thing like the Army and everyone lost their collective sh*t. Lucky for us, nobody ever actually reads articles on April Fools’ Day before heading to the comment section.

Whoever made this tweet is a credit to the Corps and everything it stands for. BZ.

Humor

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

When you gotta go, you gotta go. It doesn’t matter what you might be doing or who might be shooting at you for doing it. This, of course, includes the military personnel who get put in a lot of situations that would test anyone’s nerves. And bladders.


 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
And sometimes stomachs.

There are the times when having to go came in handy. There were times when it was absolutely necessary. There were times when there was no other way. They answered the call of duty while answering the call of nature.

1. Cooling down a Vicker’s machine gun.

During WWI, British-made Vicker’s machine guns needed a waterjacket to keep the weapon cool as it fired hundreds of rounds of flaming death at oncoming enemy troops who fail to understand the meaning of “No Man’s Land.”

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Someone didn’t get that memo. Or didn’t think it applied to her.

 

As long as you kept the barrel cool by replacing the water jackets when they heated, the guns would shoot for hours and hours, totally reliably. But if troops didn’t have a cool water handy to replenish the water, they would instead pee into the gun’s waterjacket. One gunner said it “made the war a bit more personal.”

 

2. Hosing down an aircraft fire.

Being in a bomber over Europe was incredibly dangerous in World War II. It doesn’t matter what job you’re doing in the crew. American bomber crews had a 40% chance of making their sortie quota. The 8th Air Force alone lost 26,000 men. If you want to know how crazy that is, the Marine Corps total killed for all of WWII is around 19,000.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

 

One of the guys who made it back to England was Airman Maynard “Snuffy” Smith, a gunner over St. Nazaire, France – a place called “Flak City.” It was here Snuffy’s plane was torn to shreds by fighters. The fuel tanks started pouring gas into the plane, which of course caught fire. As Snuffy fired his guns at oncoming Nazi fighters, he forcefully pissed the fires out, tended to his crewmates’ wounds, and chucked the flammable items out the window.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Not pictured: Fire, Bullet holes, blood, pee, etc.

Six more men made it back to England with Snuffy, who was awarded the Medal of Honor. The plane broke in half upon landing, though.

3. Forcing NASA to answer the pressing questions.

In 1961, NASA was still testing the things they would have to be prepared for during space missions – namely, answering President Kennedy’s challenge to put a man on the moon within ten years. Anyone who’s ever been on a long road trip can probably guess what one of the first issues they encountered was.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
I don’t think they thought of jugs.

Except Mercury Redstone 3 wasn’t a long road trip. At 15 minutes, it wasn’t even a long space trip. So what do you do with an astronaut who has to pee at an inopportune time? Simple. Pee in the suit.

Even though it meant short-circuiting the equipment designed to measure his vital signs, Alan Shepard did as instructed by NASA and went in the suit. For better or for worse. His colleagues couldn’t believe Houston told him to do it. (If you’re wondering, Buzz Aldrin was the first to pee on the moon).

4. General Relief.

It would take a psychologist of some specialty to detail what is about peeing on your enemy’s territory and fortifications that makes world leaders and generals want to do it. In fact, it’s the first thing they think of. When Winston Churchill visited Hitler’s Siegfried Line in 1945, he wore a “grin of intense satisfaction.”

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

 

Churchill wasn’t the only one having a Victory Whiz in Western Europe. General George S. Patton peed in the River Seine as he crossed it, and because he famously announced that he would pee in the Rhine, he made sure someone was there to take a photo.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

 

5. The wind pisses back.

In 1950, American troops under Gen. Douglas MacArthur led a complete rout of North Korean forces. After almost pushing the Americans and South Koreans into the sea at Pusan, the entire Communist force fell apart after the Inchon Landing. They were driven all the way to the Chinese border at the Yalu River.

President Truman ordered that only South Korean troops be allowed in the Yalu zone, to keep from provoking China. As every military history buff knows, that’s not what happened. MacArthur pushed Gen. Edward Almond’s X Corps to the Yalu as fast as possible. When he got there, he took the ritual pee in the river.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

Unfortunately, his race to the river dispersed his forces and allowed the sneak attack by the Chinese (who weren’t thrilled with the pee in their river) to succeed.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

Articles

5 real life games you can play to get ready for war

Most service members played Army when they were kids. And throughout our childhood educational years, we were presented with a host of games that stretch our minds and hone our analytical skills.


In the military, the goal isn’t much different — though the information is just delivered through alternative means like “death by PowerPoint.” And isn’t nearly as much fun

Related: 5 crazy games you played while in the military

So to avoid the boredom of paper and screens, we compiled a list of real life games you can play stateside that will increase your unit’s communication, physical stamina, and mental toughness.

1. Laser Tag

Running into a low-lit terrorist cell with weapons at the ready with your adrenaline pumping and still being ready to “expect the unexpected” while you clear the room can be incredibly stressful.

Dial back the dangerous nature of the mission and you could have a friendly game of laser tag.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

2. Treasure hunt

In grade school, we used to bury or hide objects at the playground, draw a detailed map where we left them and dare our friends to hunt down the prize — sounds easy.

Pretty much what land navigation is today minus the prize, it’s now your objective.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

3. Flag football

It was in the late 1860s that the football game kicked off between Princeton and Rutgers — and at the time, players typically played both offense and defense. This game requires plenty of communication and sets each player into different jobs and rolls.

While on patrol or in a convoy, if allied forces take contact from the bad guys, it’s up to the leader to “quarterback” the defensive strategy and instruct men how to bring the fight to the enemy.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
The Company Grade Officers Council goes for another touchdown during their flag football game at Eglin Air Force Base, (U.S. Air Force photo/Samuel King Jr.)

4. 52 cards

You can pull many different infantry games from a deck of playing cards. The main focus is to develop a game to build muscle memory. Assign an exercise or action drill for every suit in the deck and use the cards’ face value for the number of repetitions.

First one through the deck is the winner.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

Also Read: 5 things I wish I knew before deployment

5. Blindfolded tag

We conduct military operations at night, attacking the enemy once the sun goes down when they least expect it. There’s no better way to learn to fight if your night vision goes down while you’re stateside than blindfolded tag.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

 

Humor

7 worst times to have a negligent discharge

Service members do their jobs in some pretty stressful environments. From patrolling in a deadly combat zone to saying your final good-byes at a military funeral — it can be intense.


At most military functions, there will most likely be someone present who is carrying a loaded weapon, whether it’s blanks or live ammunition.

With stress levels reaching a high peak, the last thing people want to hear is the negligent discharge  — or ND — of a firearm.

Related: 17 images that perfectly show the misery of returning your gear

Check out our list of the worst times to have a negligent discharge:

7. At a funeral detail

Many military funerals have a 21-gun salute waiting fire at a specific time during the ceremony. Interrupting the service by having one of the riflemen accidentally discharge their weapon before they’re supposed to would be less than ideal, to say the least.

Everyone tends to jump a little even when the rifles are fired at the correct time.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

6. During a foreign military weapons inspection

We advise and work alongside many foreign countries’ militaries throughout the world. When you’re trying to build and/or maintain relationships, there’s nothing more cancerous than having an ND occur to set everyone on edge.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG. *Laughs in German* (Source: DoD)

5. Right before stepping out on a stressful foot patrol

The primary mission of allied foot patrol is to make contact with the opposition. When a trooper accidentally taps the trigger of a weapon that’s no longer on “safe,” some very crappy things can follow.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG. *Angry Looks*  (Source: Army.mil)

4. While handling business in a porta-sh*tter

Many troops are required to carry loaded sidearms on their hip. Having a negligent discharge while you’re taking care of business can lead to a messy result.

Oh, and you can shoot yourself.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG. Just Bang. Any other sounds effects would be disgust– *gag*

3. Inside an up-armored vehicle

Armored vehicles are designed to keep the bad guys’ bullets from entering the cabin. That’s pretty obvious, right?

Having an ND go off inside the vehicle is really bad as the bullet will ricochet until it loses speed. Hopefully, it doesn’t land inside of one your buddies.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG PING PING PING PING PING PING PING PING

2. In the “CoC”

The “Center of Communication” is the artery for directing the troops on the ground. If an ND were to occur inside, that live round could kill a troop or damage some important computerized gear.

On second thought, just clear all your weapon systems before entering.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG. *Crickets*

Also Read: 33 images that perfectly portray your first 96-hour liberty

1. In a crowded Afghan Bazaar

Afganistan is considered one of the most dangerous battlegrounds in the world. The already intense energy in the area can quickly become deadly in a blink of an eye. A negligent discharge could launch an entire battle — or worse.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
BANG… rattattatbangbangbangbangbanghissssssssBOOOOOOOOOOM

Bonus: During Bowe Bergdahl’s trial

Do we really need to explain why this is a super bad time for an ND?

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
No bang. Just don’t.

Articles

4 night terrors America’s enemies have about Jim Mattis

Retired Marine Gen. and current Secretary of Defense James Mattis was recently asked what kept him up at night and he responded, “Nothing. I keep other people awake at night,” because Mattis is a stone-cold killer. And he’s right.


Here is how four enemies of America try, and fail, to get sleep:

1. Supreme Man-Child Kim Jong-un

Kim Jong-un ends every night surrounded by the young women of his personal harem, but even that isn’t enough to distract him from his one true fear, Jim Mattis. When Mattis ruled only the Marine Corps, the dreams were frightening enough. Marines assaulted North Korea’s miles of exposed coastline while Harriers roared over Pyongyang.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
(Image: YouTube/JoBlo TV Show Trailers)

But now, Mattis has a hold of the entire military, and the sick dictator tosses and turns in his bed with the images of stealth-enhanced Blackhawks swooping over his palace and depositing the elite operators of SEAL Team 6. Their attack dogs tear out the throats of his most loyal bodyguards as the SEALs sweep, slightly crouched and sighting down the barrel for new threats, through polished hallways.

In Kim’s mind, the SEALs stealthily stack on his bedroom. He looks across the massive bed at the slight gap beneath the door and searches for any change in the light, any flicker that may indicate that Mattis’s mad dogs are here at last.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
(Photo: Department of Defense)

Nothing. No shadows, no lights, and no quiet boot falls interrupt the night. But Kim knows he will go without sleep once again.

And Kim isn’t the only enemy of America who is more afraid of the dark than ever before. Here are three others who share in his terror-ridden insomnia:

2. ISIS’s top dude Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
(Photo: U.S. Army)

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi holds his final meeting each nightfall for as long as possible, offering pine nuts and Chai to his few remaining aides and field commanders until they beg for sleep. He reluctantly agrees, allowing them to file out of his chambers. But the moment the door closes on them, he can feel the dread closing around him.

He forces himself not to look over his shoulder as he has so many times before, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts. The wall suddenly explodes inward as charges create three openings for Delta Force to pour through. Their suppressed weapons chuckle in the dust clouds from the explosions. Amid the cracks of the rifles and guns, another sound is audible. It’s Jim Mattis, and he’s laughing in full kit.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

Al-Baghdadi feels the first round pierce his lung as the second rips through his shoulder. He imagines himself slumped over, coughing, as the lights go out. He finally looks over his shoulder and prays the wall, and his crumbling “caliphate,” survives for just one more night.

3. Taliban’s current leader, Hibatullah Akhundzada

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Photo: US Air Force Staff Sgt. John Bainter

A former Taliban judge and professor, Hibatullah Akhundzada is a true believer of his perverse version of Islam. But he also believes in patterns, and his predecessor was killed in a drone strike just like many of his peers. He has to force his anxiety down every time he gets into a car or walks outside for too long. But by nightfall, he doesn’t have the energy to keep the phantoms at bay.

He can hear the soft buzz of the drone’s engines as it circles him in the sky. He knows the thermal sensors can see which room he’s in as even his breath is enough to heat the small room he hides in. He wonders what kind of weapon it will fire when it comes for him.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Predator firing Hellfire missile. (Photo: U.S. Air Force)

The Hellfire would approach with a roar as its engine propelled it through the night, but the Paveway would fall with a slight whistle.

He knows it’s wrong, but every time he thinks of the drone that will finally end the nightmare, he imagines it has a full cockpit with Mattis, grinning, at the controls. Mattis flips up his visor, takes a long pull from a beer bottle, and toasts the bomb as it lands.

4. Leader of al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri

Ayman al-Zawahiri has watched al-Qaeda go from the most infamous terror organization on Earth to a group of zealots barely visible in the shadow of ISIS. But he knows that some of his enemies will never forget which organization attacked on 9/11. Leaders like Mattis aren’t distracted black flags.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Photo: (U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Akeel Austin)

He knows it’s Mattis who will keep the analysts working daily to find him, to track his patterns. Is tonight the night? The night that Mattis passes hand signals down the line as the Osprey approaches the compound and transitions from forward to vertical flight.

The rotor wash beats against al-Zawahiri’s building as Mattis and the Marine Raiders fast rope onto the roof. The al-Qaeda fighters rush to their assigned defense posts, prepared to make the Marines bleed for every room. But Mattis expected this. A young Marine detonates a charge on the roof directly over al-Zawahiri.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Lance Cpl. Corey A. Ridgway fires the M27 Infantry Automatic Rifle. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Jorge A. Rosales)

When it explodes, the blast wave disorients everyone in the room with al-Zawahiri, and Mattis descends through the hole headfirst with an M27 in his hands. The 5.56mm rounds rip through the bodyguards and then al-Zawahiri himself.

Al-Zawahiri shakes himself and turns on his TV to spend another night watching the videos Osama Bin Laden sent him before his death.

Humor

The Olympic events each branch would be awesome at

People around the world watch in awe as the Olympic Games begin. Athletes, who have spent their entire lives mastering their given sport, are pitted against each other for the chance to emerge as the world’s greatest.


Yet, there’s always the few watching who say to themselves, “pssssh, that’s easy! I got this!” Many members of that group are veterans. Based entirely off of stereotypes associated with each branch of the armed forces, these are the events that we would dominate if given the chance.

1. Soldiers would win the biathlon.

In case you don’t know what a biathlon is, you cross-country ski for around 10 kilometers while carrying your rifle to eventually shoot at targets.

It’s basically a ruck march in the snow, minus the rucksack and plus some skis. And you actually get to shoot your rifle instead of just carrying it.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Finally! The event the 10th Mountain Division keeps saying they can do! (Photos (left) by Scott Sturkol and (right) Jack L. Gillund)

2. Marines would win shooting events.

Every Marine is a rifleman, right? The one thing Marines can confidently brag about over everyone else is their marksmanship.

If they brag about being able at shoot 500 meters with a rifle chambered in 5.56, they should clean the floor at 50 meters, prone with a .22 LR caliber rifle.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
You don’t want the Army to be the only branch to win Gold for Olympic shooting! (Photos (left) by Lance Cpl. Andrew Huff and (right) Tim Hipps)

3. Airmen would win cycling.

Airmen had cycling as a standard fitness test event until 2003, but it seems like every Airman is still obsessed with telling you how great their spin class is. So, why not put them to the test?

Just swap the PT belt for a spandex onesie and you’re set!

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Another benefit is that they still get a chair! (Photo (left) by Linda LaBonte Britt. Photo (right) courtesy of the Olympics)

4. Coast Guardsmen would win sailing.

Coast Guardsmen are here for two things: Kicking drug-smuggler ass and sailing. And at the Olympics, they’ll be all out of drug smugglers.

Our beloved Puddle Pirates are known for sailing all sorts of ships, so why not teach a few to sail Olympic regulation ships between drug busts?

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
A third thing they do is help stranded civilians on ships, like Olympic sailboats, when they mess up. (Photos (left) by Petty Officer 3rd Class Andrew Barresi and (right) Caroline Granycome)

5. Sailors should dominate beach volleyball.

Come on, sailors! If you guys are going to get upset about the Top Gun jokes while simultaneously playing volleyball for PT in the morning, at least win Olympic gold!

If sailors brought home gold, I think we’d all stop the jokes — or they’d never stop… it’s worth looking into, though.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
In all seriousness though, go Team USA! Troops or not, they’re doing our country proud! (Photo (left) by Cpl. Kirstin Merrimarahajara. Photo (right) courtesy of the DoD)

Humor

5 reasons MPs hate on firefighters

Many, many years ago, before social media, a quiet intra-branch war raged. Perhaps more fiercely fought than any of the sibling rivalries between branches, this war was once the ultimate pissing contest.


Respective chiefs would urge their troops to destroy their counterparts whenever possible. Fundraiser? If we didn’t beat anyone else, we had to beat them. Intramural sports? The same general rule applied: Beat Fire!

There is a friendly fight that has lasted generations, but many of its participants don’t know why. Here are 5 pretty good reasons why MPs hate on firefighters:

Related: 7 reasons the Air Force hates on the Army

1. Better toys

MP vehicles, when in service, typically run for the majority of the day. They’re handed over from one shift to the next, racking up the miles and the dings.

Also, it doesn’t help that many MP vehicles seem to mysteriously gather “unexplainable” tears and marks in the interior while aging in dog years on the exterior.

Conversely, firefighter vehicles typically look ready for a magazine shoot at all times.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Show-ready.

 

2. Better quality of life

Physical training is just a part of life for all military members. In that regard, MPs and firefighters are no different.

Actually, there is a relatively big difference: Firefighters get to enjoy a workout while on duty.

Many of their stations are equipped with actual gyms. They also get to play various sports while, technically, on duty. They also have a full kitchen, usually stocked with wonderfully delicious options, and they get to sleep… while on duty.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Pictured: Fire 1 preparing for lunch after a fun, full-body workout

3. More pay

Way back, in my earliest days in uniform, I recall having to eat at the base dining facility. It wasn’t bad food, per se, but it was hard to access given the long hours.

Often, we’d have to settle for a boxed lunch, aka box nasty, from the flight kitchen or spend out of pocket to get something else. None of this would have bothered me had it not been common knowledge that every firefighter gets a subsistence allowance.

My fellow young Airmen and I felt like unclaimed stepchildren. Do we not have comparable hours? Are we not also first responders, unable to regularly make it to the DFAC? Are we not equal? According to mama Air Force, f*ck no.

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

 

4. Nobody else hates firefighters

Seriously. Have you ever heard anyone say, “f*ck firemen”?

Something about not having that same “untouchable” social status just makes it easy to hate them.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
Why would anyone hate firefighters?

 

Also Read: 5 things we wish we knew before joining the Air Force

5. More camaraderie

There is a well-known stigma that MPs, Security Forces in particular, eat their own. It’s a tough environment to live and thrive in.

This isn’t to say that firefighters don’t have their own mess, but, from the outside, it seems that they cover for each other as much as possible.

That same camaraderie can be found in many corners of the MP life, but seemingly not on the same level as our firefighting brethren.

 

8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon
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