The maroon beret on your truck dash and the airborne wings tattooed to your chest are pretty good indicators that you’re a paratrooper. Still, if you want more proof, just check yourself for these common symptoms of airborne.
1. You consider any day that you get to exit an aircraft a good day.
What a view!
2. You’re always prepared to deploy.
3. You believe jumping is a group activity.
A member of the 82nd Airborne Division and British paratrooper prepare to jump from a tethered balloon in preparation for a jump into Sainte-Mere-Eglise, France, on on the 40th anniversary of D-day, the invasion of Europe.
4. You don’t think it’s fast unless it can be anywhere in the world in 18 hours.
5. A lot can happen before you get excited.
I mean, you jump out of planes. It’s hard to top that.
6. If you walk away, you figure it went pretty well.
A lot of popular music artists have attempted to capture the military experience over the years, but only a small percentage of them have gotten it right in the eyes of the community. Here are the 9 that did it best:
1. “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Of Company B,” The Andrews Sisters (1941)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qafnJ6mRbgk
A fast-living jazz musician from Chicago gets drafted and winds up in the heat of the action with Bravo Company. But his CO is a music fan who uses his power and influence to get the rest of the guy’s band drafted and assigned to the same unit. They all wind up hated by their fellow soldiers because they’re the ones who play reveille every morning, never mind whether or not it’s a hip version of it. As classic a military tale as there is.
2. “Billy, Don’t be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (1974)
A young patriot goes to war against his fiancees’ wishes and gets killed because he didn’t follow her sage guidance. And in the end she tears up the letter that documents his heroism because she feels like his service and sacrifice were a waste. This classic by these one-hit wonders may qualify as “bubblegum pop,” but its subject matter is super intense.
3. “Ballad of the Green Beret,” Staff Sergeant Barry Sadler, U.S. Army (1966)
“Silver wings, upon his chest . . .” This song was written by author Robin Moore and SSgt. Sadler while Sadler was recovering from wounds he sustained while serving as a medic in Vietnam, a fact that kept him from getting grief from fellow soldiers for going on TV in full uniform and singing with kind of a high voice. “Ballad of the Green Beret” became a no. 1 hit — amazing considering how the American public was rapidly going south about the war in Vietnam and pro-military sentiments were already hard to find.
4. I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die Rag, Country Joe McDonald (1968)
Country Joe was a counterculture crooner from the Bay Area who walked on stage at Woodstock after Richie Havens’ opening set basically to kill some time. He played two songs with little response from the massive crowd and walked off. He thought better of it and walked back on and did what was commonly known as “the FISH cheer” (that actually spells something else). The crowd came alive, so he launched into “Fixin’ to Die Rag,” a satire of the military-industrial complex and the impact of the war on suburbia, which was included in the “Woodstock” movie and, as a result, became a classic hit of the Vietnam era.
Perhaps John Fogarty’s best recorded vocal performance, “Fortunate Son” hit the airwaves at a time when the Vietnam-era draft was starting to feel like class warfare and the hypocrisy of the ruling elite was revealing itself. With a driving beat, a searing guitar riff, and Forgarty singing lyrics like “I ain’t no senator’s son, no no,” the song resonated with those doing their duty while their richer and better-placed peers didn’t. “Fortunate Son” made it to no. 3 on the charts.
6. “The Star Spangled Banner (live at Woodstock),” Jimi Hendrix (1969)
Jimi Hendrix was not that well known in America when he took the stage at Woodstock on the morning of August 18, 1969. It was a Monday morning and all but several thousand of the nearly 1 million attendees had left the festival. Hendrix, an Army vet, surprised the audience (and his band) by launching into his rendition of the National Anthem, a version that many conservatives at the time criticized as unpatriotic. But history has shown it to be perhaps the most accurate musical portrayal of the state of America at the time and, beyond that, a timeless reading of the chaos of war. In 2011, the editors of Guitar World placed his rendition at number one in their list of his 100 greatest performances.
7. “War Pigs,” Black Sabbath (1970)
With an ominous air raid siren opening and lyrics like “generals gathered in their masses, just like witches at black masses,” this track from Sabbath’s classic second album “Paranoid” was heavy metal before anyone even knew there was such a thing. And in Ozzy’s shallow metaphor lives the sentiments of millions who have gone in harm’s way since man first took up arms.
8. “99 Luftballoons,” Nena (1983)
The oldest military story ever told: 99 balloons are mistaken for UFOs, causing a general to send pilots to investigate. Finding nothing but child’s balloons, the pilots decide to put on a show and shoot them down. The display of force worries the nations along the borders and the war ministers on each side bang the drums of conflict to grab power for themselves. In the end, a 99-year war results from the otherwise harmless flight of balloons, causing devastation on all sides without a victor. (Wikipedia)
9. “Bodies,” Drowning Pool (2001)
The song that launched thousands of patrols out of the FOBs and into the dirty streets of Iraq and Afghanistan. “Bodies” may not have been written with the military in mind, but it’s urgent beat and overall atmosphere of brutality worked for those who answered the call after 9-11, and they adopted it as their own. Also of note is that the song was used by interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay detention camps in 2003, including over a 10-day period during the “questioning” of terror suspect Mohamedou Ould Slahi.
While most Marines and soldiers walk or ride into battle, paratroopers pride themselves on getting into harder-to-reach spots, or dropping behind enemy lines. Though military strategists developed plans for their use before 1939, the use of “sky soldiers” was really perfected during World War II.
Perhaps the most famous use of paratroopers was during the Normandy invasion of 1944, when more than 13,000 airborne troops dropped from the sky behind German positions in France. Today, the U.S. and other countries still maintain airborne soldiers, or train up their special operations forces in airborne operations.
A common trope among the airborne is that it’s crazy to “jump out of a perfectly good airplane.” But if you think it’s crazy, then you’re probably just a leg (that’s airborne talk for regular-old ground troops).
Check out 12 photos of U.S. and other airborne troops:
Photo Courtesy of 1st Special Forces Group
Paratroopers from Britain’s 3rd Battalion, Parachute Regiment deploy from a French C160 Aircraft During Exercise Joint Warrior.
Members of the Air Force’s 26th Special Tactics Squadron jump out of an MC-130.
Irish Defence Force parachutists make a free fall exit from an Irish Air Corps CASA CN-235.
Marines jump out of the back of a KC-130J Hercules while conducting aerial delivery training during exercise Cobra Gold 2013 near Utapao Royal Thai Navy Air Field, Kingdom of Thailand, Feb. 15. Marines participated in the training with Royal Thai reconnaissance Marines, enhancing the two nations’ combat readiness and military-to-military cooperation. The Marines are with 3rd Marine Reconnaissance Battalion, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force.
Paratroopers from the U.S. Army’s 82nd Airborne Division jump from a C-17 Globemaster at Ft. Bragg, N.C., during Exercise Joint Forcible Entry in April 2005.
A U.S. Soldier assigned to 1st Battalion, 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) salutes his fellow Soldiers while jumping out of a C-130 Hercules aircraft over a drop zone in Germany, Feb. 24, 2015. (U.S. Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Jason Johnston/Released)
Air Force Staff Sgt. Jonathan C. McCoy, a pararescue jumper assigned to the 24th Special Tactics Squadron, during freefall.
U.S. Marines assigned to Force Reconnaissance Platoon, 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit free fall from an MV-22 Osprey tiltrotor aircraft during a parachute operations flight over Djibouti June 3, 2014. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Jocelyn Ford/Released)
Paratroopers from South Korea diving out of a ROK Air Force CASA CN-235 in the United Arab Emirates.
Elements of 1st Bn, 508th Infantry parachuting into a drop zone during training outside of Panama City. The jump was in preparation for Operation Just Cause in 1989.
Members of the Air Force’s 720th Special Tactics Group jump out of an airplane wearing flippers.
Athletes who were military heroes represent some of the bravest men and women to ever play professional sports. These Americans gave up the fame and fortune that would have come with being a professional athlete to serve their country. Many sacrificed more than that, giving up their lives on the front lines of World War I, World War II, the Vietnam War and the War in Iraq.
The military hero athletes on this list undoubtably include many names you know as sports stars first and soldiers second or vice versa, but each has a story behind their service in the United States Armed Forces.
For some, that story includes leaving professional sports at the peak of their career to serve their country during wartime, such as legendary baseball player Bob Feller, boxer Joe Louis and baseball great Joe DiMaggio. These athletes can be considered military heroes.
Others, such as basketball star David Robinson and Pro Football Hall of Fame member Art Donovan, their military service came before their professional sports careers as they were fortunate enough to return from battle healthy enough to continue.
Sadly, many were not so lucky. In one of the more recent cases, up and coming Arizona Cardinals football player Pat Tillman left the NFL shortly after the 9/11 terrorist attacks to become a U.S. Army Ranger. Tillman made the ultimate sacrifice when he was killed in action in April 2004.
These notable athletes who served in the military may not have all been the best of their respective sports and may not have all been decorated soldiers but each of these fine men and women should be thanked for their service nonetheless.
Let’s continue our holiday shopping. We’ve already designed the U.S. Navy’s gift basket, so now let’s put one together for their rival, the Army. What do they want to find under the tree this year?
7. An extra brigade per division
The Army recently beefed up its brigades by adding a third infantry battalion, but decreased the number of brigade combat teams, or BCTs, per division from four to three. With Russia developing new tanks and infantry fighting vehicles, there’s a chance the United States Army may need more forces to hold the line. Going back to four BCTs per division wouldn’t be a bad idea. Maybe get some separate brigades, as well.
Capt. Lou Cascino, commander of Easy Company, 2nd Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), pulls security while Staff Sgt. Eric Stephens and 1st Lt. James Kromhout verify their position during a partnered patrol in Madi Khel, Khowst Province, Afghanistan, Oct. 20, 2013. (U.S. Army Photo by Maj. Kamil Sztalkoper, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division)
6. More divisions
In 1989, the United States Army had 18 active divisions, plus 10 more in the National Guard. Today, there are 10 active Army divisions and only eight divisions in the National Guard. Even as the U.S. entered the War on Terror, that total did not increase. Now, ISIS has been beaten down, but the Russian threat is resurging. Let’s go back to 1989’s division totals and get even more troops on the line.
Shoulder patch of the 3rd Armored Division, one of the divisions deactivated after the Cold War. (US Army graphic)
Apache helicopters have successfully taken out advanced air defenses before, but it would still be better to use F-22s when possible. (Army photo by Capt. Brian Harris)
4. More M1128 “Stryker” Mobile Gun Systems
The M1128 is very mobile and carries a 105mm main gun. While it’s not able to stand up to an Armata, or arguably even a piece-of-junk T-72, it can still knock out armored personnel carriers, infantry fighting vehicles, trucks, anti-aircraft guns, surface-to-air missile launchers, and buildings. Plus, it could give the 82nd Airborne the firepower it’s lacked since the M551 was retired decades ago.
Armor Soldiers assigned to 3rd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, fire the Stryker’s 105mm main gun during a live fire range 28 March 2011, at Yakima Training Center, Wash. (US Army photo)
3. New tanks and IFVs
While the Abrams and Bradley are great, they’re old designs. Everyone loves to get the newest, high-tech gadget for Christmas — we think the U.S. Army would appreciate it, too. A new tank and IFV makes for a great gift. Plus, Russia’s been making great strides on their tanks; America needs to modernize.
M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tanks move to engage targets during a joint combined arms live-fire exercise near Camp Buehring, Kuwait Dec. 6-7, 2016. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Aaron Ellerman)
2. A new scout helicopter
One consequence of the budget cuts enacted under the Obama Administration was that the OH-58 Kiowa Warrior was retired without an immediate replacement. Yes, UAVs can handle some reconnaissance, but not all. A new version of the Lakota could be had relatively cheap, in federal budget terms.
Airbus H145M, showing a gun pod on the left and a 12-round rocket pod on the right. (Photo from Airbus Helicopters)
1. Re-start A-10 production
Yes, the A-10 is technically an Air Force system, but the need for close-air support is always there. We’re told the F-35 or the OA-X program will replace the A-10, but somehow, that doesn’t seem to add up.
Two U.S. Air Force A-10 Thunderbolt IIs fly in a wingtip formation after refueling from a 340th Expeditionary Air Refueling Squadron KC-135 Stratotanker in support of Operation Inherent Resolve, Feb. 15, 2017. (U.S. Air Force photo by Senior Airman Jordan Castelan)
What do you think the U.S. Army should get for Christmas? Let us know in the comments.
Meme day! Since many of you are already enjoying your four days off for Memorial Day, you won’t have to hide your phone while you read this week. (Unless you have duty, and in that case … sorry.)
1. Is there any doubt here?
Your troops are planning their weekend. They are always planning their weekend.
2. Mario Kart no longer has anything on real life.
Though it will probably hurt more to crash in real life.
The past year has been a busy time for the US Army.
US soldiers remained engaged in operations against the Taliban in Afghanistan and took the lead in multi-national training exercises throughout the world. Army veterans received high honors during a memorial to the 70th anniversary of the Normandy Invasion, while one Afghanistan veteran received the Medal of Honor.
The Army compiled a year in photos to show what they were doing 2014.
These are some of the most amazing photographs of the Army from the past year.
In March, members of the US Army Parachute Team conducted their annual certification test.
Photo: Sgt. 1st Class Joe Abeln/US Army
The past year saw the first instance of the Spartan Brigade, an airborne combat team, training north of the Arctic Circle. Here, paratroopers move to their assembly area after jumping into Deadhorse, Alaska.
Photo: Sgt. Eric-James Estrada/US Army
Elsewhere, in Alaska’s Denali National Park, the 4th Infantry Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, hiked across Summit Ridge on Mount McKinley to demonstrate their Arctic abilities.
Photo: US Army
Beyond the frozen north, the Army took part in training exercises around the world. In Germany, members of Charlie Company trained Kosovo authorities in how to respond to firebombs and other incendiary devices.
Photo: Spc. Bryan Rankin/US Army
Charlie Company also fired ceremonial rounds from their M1A2 Abrams tanks during Operation Atlantic Resolve in Latvia. US forces were in the country to help reassure NATO allies in the Baltic as well as provide training to Lavia’s ground forces in the wake of Russian aggression in Ukraine.
Photo: Sgt. 1st Class Jeremy J. Fowler/US Army
Members of the US Army, Marines, and Alaska National Guard also participated alongside the Mongolian Armed Forces in the multi-national Khaan Quest 2014 exercise in Mongolia.
Photo: Sgt. Edward Eagerton/US Army
Even with the drawdown of forces from Afghanistan, US Army personnel are still active in the Middle East. Here, a soldier loads rockets into an AH-64 Apache during a Forward Arming and Refueling Point exercise in Kuwait.
Photo: Spc. Harley Jelis/US Army
Linguistic and cultural training for the Army is also continuing. Here, ROTC cadets participate in a training mission in Africa through the US Army Cadet Command’s Culture and Language Program.
Photo: US Army
Here, an M1A2 tank drives past a camel during multi-national exercises in the Middle East.
Photo: Sgt. Marcus Fichtl/US Army
This past year marked the end of US-led combat operations in Afghanistan. In this picture, US Special Forces soldiers fight alongside the Afghan National Army against Taliban insurgents.
Photo: Pfc. David Devich/US Army
Here, US Army soldiers go on a patrol in Sayghani, Parwan province, Afghanistan to collect information on indirect fire fire attacks against Bagram Air Field, outside of Kabul.
Photo: Staff Sgt. Daniel Luksan/US Army
Throughout 2014 US Army Rangers engaged in constant training operations to maintain their tactical proficiency.
Photo: Spc. Steven Hitchcock/US Army
Here, Rangers fire a 120mm mortar during a tactical training exercise in California.
Photo: Pfc. Nahaniel Newkirk/US Army
An MH-60 Black Hawk Helicopter from the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment provides close air support for Army Rangers from Alpha Company, 2nd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, conducting direct action operations during a company live fire training at Camp Roberts, California.
Photo: Staff Sgt. Teddy Wade/US Army
A Ranger carrying an M24 rappels down a wall during a demonstration at an Army Ranger School graduation at Fort Benning, Georgia.
Photo: US Army
Rangers took part in the grueling Best Ranger competition at Camp Rogers, Fort Benning, Georgia. Through a series of physical challenges, the event finds the best two-man team in the entire US Army.
Photo: Sgt. Austin Berner/US Army
US Army Medics also competed in the All-American Best Medic Competition, a series of tactical and technical proficiency tests.
Photo: Sgt. 1st Class Joseph Armas/US Army
Everyone in the army receives combat training, whatever their job may be. Here, Pfc. Derek Evans, a food service specialist, engages targets during a live-fire waterborne gunnery exercise
Photo: Staff Sgt. Richard Sherba/US Army
Training exercises allow the Army to maintain its readiness for all possible battlefield scenarios. In this scenario, MH-47G Chinook helicopter move watercraft over land or water to a point of deployment.
Photo: Sgt. Christopher Prows/US Army
Soldiers were picked up by a Black Hawk helicopter as part of a survival training exercise called Decisive Action Rotation 14-09.
Photo: Staff Sgt. Corey Hook/US Army
Here, a soldier from the California Army National Guard takes part in Warrior Exercise 2014, a combat training mission.
Photo: Staff Sgt. Christopher Klutts/US Army
The Army National Guard had a busy 2014 responding to natural disasters. Here, members of the Washington National Guard’s 66th Theater Aviation Command respond to wildfires.
Photo: Staff Sgt. Dave Goodhue/US Army
Members of the Oregon National Guard trained in firing the main gun of an Abrams M1A2 System Enhanced Package Tank during combat readiness exercises.
Photo: Maj. Wayne (Chris) Clyne/US Army
One member of the Army received the nation’s highest recognition for combat bravery. On May 13, President Obama presented the Medal of Honor to former US Army Sgt. Kyle White for his actions in Afghanistan.
Photo: Spc. Michael Mulderick/US Army
On May 28, newly commissioned second lieutenants celebrated commencement at the US Military Academy, at West Point, New York.
Photo: Sgt. 1st Class Christopher Fincham/US Army
The past year also marked the 70th anniversary of the Normandy Invasion. To honor America’s role in liberating France from the Nazis, a French child dressed as a US soldier held a salute on the sands of Omaha Beach for 2 hours.
The awards that decorate a troop’s dress uniform have meaning. If a troop does something extraordinary, there are plenty of awards they might earn, depending on the specific heroics. There are medals for more mundane actions, as well. If they serve at a specific location, like going overseas or even to Antarctica, in support of a military campaign, they’re likely to earn a medal. Enlisting at a certain time during conflict adds the National Defense Service Medal to your ribbons rack. However, there’s one award that sticks out as ridiculous — the Military Outstanding Volunteer Service Medal (MOVSM).
All that’s required by this medal is that a troop (active duty, reserve, or national guard) performs a substantial volunteer service to the local community. The idea behind establishing the award in 1993 was to incentivize troops to do great deeds that would reflect highly on military service. In reality, it’s often seen as just another box to check.
We’re not disparaging charitable action, especially when it shines a good light on military service, but here’s why the award itself is silly.
5. The Humanitarian Service Medal already exists
The Humanitarian Service Medal is given to troops who participate in acts like disaster relief or the evacuation of refugees from a hostile area. The difference between this medal and the MOVSM is that this one is earned while on duty.
The HSM goes to the troops who were sent, let’s say, to New Jersey in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. The MOVSM, however, might go to the troop who helped put together a few potluck dinners. Both are the reward for doing a good deed but, according to the military, both nearly as prestigious as the other…
…which leads troops to not care about helping. (Image via GIPHY)
4. The criteria for earning one is vague
Every other award has clean-cut requirements. Have you been to this location or not? How does this act of heroism compare to other selfless acts? Were you able to be a good troop for three years or at least not get caught? This medal is an exception.
If a troop spends every weekend for a decade helping train the Boy Scouts, that’s a Volunteer Service Medal. If a troop says, “yeah, I got time. I can help you with that.” That act might be just as worthy, according to the nebulous criteria.
3. Standards range from impossible to non-existent
Many units see this award as ridiculous and put unreasonable restrictions on it. According to Army Regulation 600-8-22, to earn the MOVSM, one must exceed 3 years and/or 500 hours of service. Many times, a unit will ask for a proof-of-hours sheet that highlights how each of those hours was spent.
On the other side of the coin, the only definitive requirement — as outlined by the DoD — is that the good deed has tangible results and is not a single act. Many troops can tell you that they’ve earned this act simply by preparing and then attending a charity event. Boom. Instant award. Meanwhile, the Soldier who became his son’s Scout Leader has two years, 11 months, and three weeks to go to earn the same accolade.
Chances are that it’ll still get denied. (Image via GIPHY)
2. There’s no citation
The Military Outstanding Volunteer Service Medal is still a service medal. The award gets put in and, if it’s approved, the troop receives it. A commendation medal, on the other hand, is reflective of a specific, heroic action.
Technically speaking, there doesn’t need to be a formation and award ceremony for a MOVSM. The troop should just add it to their record and move on.
No need to waste everyone’s time with a BS award. (Image via GIPHY)
1. You can do the paperwork yourself and not need proof
By now, you’re probably already thinking about this point. If all that’s required is an hours sheet, how can you make sure a troop actually did what they claim? You can’t, really.
Troops who make a habit of volunteering, time and time again, over the course of three years are clearly not doing it for a single award worth five promotion points. They genuinely care. The guy who put on a couple of community potlucks doesn’t care about the volunteer service — they’re in it for the pat on the back.
Without a uniform standard on how to earn one, the award means almost nothing.
You don’t need to confess. Just know if you lied to get one, you suck. (Image via GIPHY)
Despite Hot Shots Part Deux‘s claim to be the bloodiest movie ever, we actually did the math and found the top body counts for war films featuring the U.S. military. These counts are only for onscreen, confirmed dead. If they’re still moving when the director cuts to the next shot, it doesn’t count. The results are surprising.
9. Delta Force
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE0V-xhTF4s
Despite his online reputation for ceaseless badassery, Chuck Norris’ seminal work Delta Force only has 78 confirmed kills. Though admittedly, 43 of those are at the hands of Chuck Norris himself.
8. Rambo Series
First Blood (commonly known as “the Rambo movie”) is the most surprising. With a body count of one confirmed kill, you wonder how John Rambo earned the reputation of being Hollywood’s biggest military badass… until you see the rest of the Rambo films (lots of cops go through windows, though). Body counts rise at a near exponential rate after the commies kill Rambo’s love interest, with 80 kills in First Blood Part II, 158 in Rambo III, and a whopping 273 in 2008’s Rambo. At that rate, I imagine that Rambo: Last Bloodwill maim more people than a movie starring 100 untamed lions.
7. The Patriot
Another surprise is the number of onscreen deaths in The Patriot. Mel Gibson’s Revolutionary War film, based on the Southern colonies’ fight against brutal British Colonel Banastre Tarleton, only had 123 onscreen kills.
6. Black Hawk Down
Black Hawk Down is considered one of the most realistic portrayals of any military action ever depicted onscreen, but the 135 deaths (122 Somalis, 13 Americans) doesn’t reflect the real-world body count of 1,500 Somalis, 18 Americans, 1 Malaysian and 1 Pakistani.
5. Saving Private Ryan
Steven Spielberg’s WWII epic Saving Private Ryan defined the distinctive WWII onscreen look and feel, replicated again and again. Appropriately, the film starts with his vision of the intense D-Day landings at Normandy. The final tally, including the dog tags of the KIA, stands at 243.
4. Platoon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKpQB3bEPbI
Platoon’s 277 kills are enough to give anyone a thousand-yard stare.
3. We Were Soldiers
The 305 total onscreen deaths between US forces and the North Vietnamese Army in We Were Soldiers gives Mel Gibson war film extras a higher mortality rate than Sean Bean in any film or TV show ever.
2. Inglourious Basterds
Quentin Tarantino’s films have a reputation for violence and his WWII masterwork Inglourious Basterds delivers Lieutenant Aldo Raine’s scalps and then some with a confirmed kill count of 315.
1. Windtalkers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygXyaFv9ub0
The all-time top body count of any movie featuring US troops in combat goes to Nicolas Cage’s Windtalkers with a whopping 548 onscreen kills.
Hollywood war movies are usually comprised of strong and versatile trope elements like the wise seasoned soldier, the good decision makers, and the flawed protagonist who needs a solid character arch before the credits roll.
There’s also the cast of characters that are considered the weaker links, or they’re just so naïve audiences sigh with relief when they die off.
So here’s our list of newbie boots we wouldn’t want taking point on patrol with us.
1. Conrad Vig (“3 Kings”)
He’s the funny, goofy guy who also talks too much and no one takes him seriously until you get annoyed by his presence.
Great movie, but bad karate kick. (Image via Giphy)
2. Corporal Upham (“Saving Private Ryan”)
He stops himself from saving a fellow brother because his fear got the best of him, but to add insult to injury, he gave up an easy kill shot and let the German soldier off the hook. Unacceptable!
Unfreaking believable. You had him, Upham! (Image via Giphy)
3. Gardner (“Platoon”)
We knew this over-weight character was going to perish sooner rather than later — no way his stature meets physical regs. No squad wants the guy who can’t hold his own weight — literally — on their team.
Although this character wasn’t meant to be a “tanker”, the situation called for it. There’s nothing worse for an infantry squad than the guy who refuses to do his job — killing the enemy.
Good for nothing. (Image via Giphy)
5. Fergus O’Donnell (“Jarhead”)
He’s the Blue Falcon that managed to burn down a weapons cache when all he had to do is sit and listen to Christmas music.
The ultimate Blue Falcon (Image via Giphy)
6. Gomer Pyle (“Full Metal Jacket”)
Also known as Leonard Lawrence in the film, Pyle was hated by his fellow recruits and they held an awesome blanket party in his honor.
This poor bastard. (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Joker, Cowboy, and Animal Mother are just some of the iconic characters in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket” that audiences hoped would survive as they maneuvered their way through the dangerous battlegrounds of the Vietnam War.
One character no member of the audience gave a sh*t about, though, was Leonard Lawrence a.k.a. Pvt. Pyle because he was slow, overweight, and ended up murdering his D.I. and blowing his brains out while sitting on a toilet.
Let’s pretend that the murder-suicide never took place and Private Pyle actually went out to the fleet.
Troops rarely get a say in anything. As a lower-enlisted, your opinion is often discounted and, not to burst any bubbles, as you climb higher, you’ll likely find more of the same. One of the rare exceptions, however, is in determining the conditions of your reenlistment.
Nine times out of ten, a reenlisting troop will say, “screw it, just give me the paperwork” without testing the limits of exactly how far a commander is willing to go to keep them in. Commanders can shoot down the silly requests, sure, but on rare, beautiful occasions, a troop will get exactly what they want.
These are a few of those moments:
(Photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class Laurie Dexter)
While putting out a fire
It makes perfect sense if you’re a firefighter to have your reenlistment in the middle of a simulated fire. The key word here is ‘simulated.’ If it wasn’t, you probably should focus on, you know, the task at hand.
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)
On an anchor
This one seems fitting as you’re tying your career down for a few more years.
(U.S. Navy photo by James Woods)
While freefalling
Why reenlist before your jump or after you land when you can save time and take the Oath right in the middle?
(Meme via USAWTFM)
At a Gamestop
Deep down, we all know that dude’s reenlistment bonus is going towards video games. Let’s just cut out the middleman and hand the check directly to the guy behind the counter.
(U.S. Army Photo)
At a football game
You and your buddies might as well get free tickets to a football game while you give Uncle Sam a few more years of your life.
(Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Caleb Barrieau)
In the gas chamber
This may seem like a terrible idea, but with all that CS gas, you can try and pull the “I didn’t make the oath. I was coughing too much!” line if you change your mind.
Protip: It won’t work.
(U.S. Army)
At the South Pole
On the bright side, they got an Antarctica Service Medal in exchange for giving a few additional years to Uncle Sam.
(Photo by Bruce Howard)
By Jon motherf*cking Bon Jovi at the One World Trade Center
I’m not even mad. This is just impressive. She forever has a one-up on anyone trying to out do her reenlistment.
“You just want a reenlistment on the bow of the ship? Oh, that’s neat…”
Paratroopers from South Korea diving out of a ROK Air Force CASA CN-235 in the United Arab Emirates.
