How Americans can claim their very own island using fun, outdated laws

Do you want to stake your claim on something, make it truly yours, and let all of human history know that you're a badass? Want to set out as an explorer despite the fact that the world has been pretty much figured out by this point? Ever feel like just sticking a flag in the ground and claiming it for yourself? Well, get ready to go island exploring!

Using plenty of technical loopholes in statutes created over one hundred and fifty years ago, you can actually lay claim to your very own island and do whatever you feel like on it.

There are many technicalities involved and several things to consider, but it's still very much possible.

Most of those purple areas in the Pacific, except, obviously, Hawaii, Guam, and the American Samoas, are Guano Islands that gave America much more control in the Pacific.

(NOAA)

The very first thing to have ready is the Guano Islands Act of 1856. This states that America will do everything in its power to defend an American's claim on an island if there's guano on it. Guano, as you probably know, is bird or bat poop. Back in the 1850s, guano was an excellent source of phosphates and could be used for fertilizer or sold at a high price. The act doesn't stipulate how much guano was needed to be considered "claimable," so that's open for your interpretation.

If it's enough to reinvigorate the global guano market, awesome. If it's literally just the product of the parrot you brought on your adventures because you thought it'd make you more like a pirate, that's fine, too. The act was never repealed and, since it was enacted, America has prospered greatly from the islands it's allowed to be claimed.

In the past, America has laid claim to 58 islands. Fifty of these bird-poop-filled islands have been used as bargaining chips with smaller nations nearby. America gave the seemingly worthless and uninhabited Kanton Island to the nation of Kiribati in exchange for the ability to build military bases there. The eight remaining islands that America has claimed in the middle of seemingly nowhere were made part of the unincorporated territories of the United States, which has greatly increased America's exclusive economic zone in the oceans.

Which leaves you searching all of that light blue. Good luck.

Exclusive economic zones are also a key factor. Whatever tiny claim you stake adds 200 nautical miles of America, meaning no other country can drill for oil or fish in those waters. In today's marketplace, America will definitely back up your claims.

But this also means that whichever island you lay claim to cannot fall within another nation's economic zone. So, if you find a tiny rock off the coast of Japan, you're out of luck. That island still belongs to Japan, regardless of how much bird poop is on it.

What you need to instead is to look in International Waters, the areas of water far enough away from other nations' claims. This limits your search area, excluding basically anywhere in the Mediterranean and most of the Caribbean, but you're not entirely out of luck: Much of the South Pacific and South Atlantic remains open season.

You must also consider current and past claims. Islands that have been claimed before are highly contested and would be, likely, a waste of time. This means most of the current Terra Nullius, or "nobody's land," is likely so far off-course that nobody has a reason to visit.

You do, however, still have complete right to explore the Antarctic. Since you're backing is the United States and the United States put a stipulation in the Antarctic Treaty to allow it to lay any claim in the future, you can search uninterrupted by other nations. This also gives you the ability to use penguins as your source of guano.

You could also search in the Pacific Ring of Fire. Since there is much volcanic activity going on there, new islands are sure to form — just waiting for you to arrive with an American flag. Here's what that would sort of look like.

Enjoy your new island, you modern-day explorer, you!

(Photo by Pedro Flores)

Once you've found your very own terra nullius island and you've ensured birds have pooped on it, it's yours. You personally own a private island not beholden to any nation. That means you have you don't have to go through the headache of paying millions to name your island. It's your island, you can do with it and name it whatever you want. The only stipulation is that the name can't already be taken.

You're screwed if your surname is of English heritage because they kind of had a monopoly on island claiming for a few hundred years, but if you've got your own unique Eastern-European last name, like me, name it after yourself. There's also no rule against naming it something awesome, like "Buttf*ck-Nowhere Island." So, you do you.

Once you've got it. Head on over to the U.S. Department of the Interior and let them know that you've got a new piece to add to America and your stake of land is forever made an American territory that can never be taken away. Because it'd suck through all that trouble just to end up losing your claim after you pass away.