MIGHTY CULTURE

5 dumb things Marines would do in the Space Force

(Eric Milzarski)

Marines never change. We're simple creatures. Whether it's in the air, on the land, at sea, or in the outer reaches of space, we're going to find a way to restrict everyone's liberty by doing what we do best: getting drunk and fighting things.

Any place we go, you'll know we were there. Not just because of the trail of destruction and bodies we leave in our wake, but because we've found a way to distinguish ourselves by looking and acting like the most primitive humans to ever exist in the modern era.

This type of thing will not change in space, no matter how far we go. Here are a few things that Marines will still do, even if we're in the Andromeda system:


1. Get married to an alien stripper in their first month

Once we establish colonies on other planets, you know there will be tons of alien strip clubs and tattoo parlors set up just outside the gates of any military installation — and you know where they'll get their business? The Space Force Marines. One of the FNGs is bound to fall in love with an alien stripper and marry it within a month of arriving on station.

2. Throw space rocks at each other

When Marines get bored of waiting, they end up finding rocks to throw at each other. No, I'm not kidding. This is a popular pastime among Marines.

This won't change, even if they're in space. If anything, the lowered gravity will only make this more enjoyable.

It'll become a competition to see who can hit someone on a planet's surface from orbit.

(U.S. Marine Corps)

3. Find dangerous alien creatures to interact with

If you've ever been in a desert with Marines, then you know we've got some uncanny ability to find rattlesnakes and scorpions to play with. Here's what would happen in the Space Force: Marines arrive on a new planet and find some kind of acid-spitting alien creature and decide it would be a good idea to pick it up and keep it as a pet.

We might even try to eat it.

(U.S. Marine Corps)

4. Eat strange, alien plants

There's always that one Southern guy in your platoon who, while in a jungle, will just rip moss off trees and drink the water from it — or they'll see some leafy plant and chew on it when they run out of tobacco.

Chances are, they'll do the same on some distant planet.

Pro-tip: Don't touch anything you aren't familiar with.

(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Draw penises on everything

Marines have this weird obsession. If you've ever seen the inside of an on-base porta-john, then you know what I'm talking about.

The Navy recently had an incident where a pilot drew a penis in the sky using contrails, which means Marines must to find a way to top that somehow.

The Mars rover already did it, but it lacked a human touch.

(NASA/JPL/Cornell)