4 ways to avoid getting your ass kicked by Seal Team 6

Here at We Are The Mighty, we can understand if people are worried about getting their ass kicked by SEAL Team 6.

So, as a public service, here are some pointers on how to stay off DevGru’s Naughty List:

1. Don’t be a terrorist

SEAL Team 6 is the Navy’s dedicated counter-terrorist group. If you’re not a terrorist, they have no professional interest in giving you an ass-kicking at all. But if you are a terrorist, they will have a very professional interest in ruining your day and going through your stuff.

So, you may ask, “Why might they think I am a terrorist?” Well, if you join a terrorist group, they might think you are a terrorist. Here is a very handy list of groups, courtesy of the State Department, to not hang out with:

  • Abu Nidal Organization (ANO)
  • Abu Sayyaf Group (ASG)
  • Aum Shinrikyo (AUM)
  • Basque Fatherland and Liberty (ETA)
  • Gama’a al-Islamiyya (Islamic Group) (IG)
  • HAMAS
  • Harakat ul-Mujahidin (HUM)
  • Hizballah
  • Kahane Chai (Kach)
  • Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK) (Kongra-Gel)
  • Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE)
  • National Liberation Army (ELN)
  • Palestine Liberation Front (PLF)
  • Palestinian Islamic Jihad (PIJ)
  • Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLF)
  • PFLP-General Command (PFLP-GC)
  • Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC)
  • Revolutionary People’s Liberation Party/Front (DHKP/C)
  • Shining Path (SL)
  • al-Qa’ida (AQ)
  • Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan (IMU)
  • Real Irish Republican Army (RIRA)
  • Jaish-e-Mohammed (JEM)
  • Lashkar-e Tayyiba (LeT)
  • Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade (AAMB)
  • Asbat al-Ansar (AAA)
  • al-Qaida in the Islamic Maghreb (AQIM)
  • Communist Party of the Philippines/New People’s Army (CPP/NPA)
  • Jemaah Islamiya (JI)
  • Lashkar i Jhangvi (LJ)
  • Ansar al-Islam (AAI)
  • Continuity Irish Republican Army (CIRA)
  • Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (formerly al-Qa’ida in Iraq)
  • Islamic Jihad Union (IJU)
  • Harakat ul-Jihad-i-Islami/Bangladesh (HUJI-B)
  • al-Shabaab
  • Revolutionary Struggle (RS)
  • Kata’ib Hizballah (KH)
  • al-Qa’ida in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP)
  • Harakat ul-Jihad-i-Islami (HUJI)
  • Tehrik-e Taliban Pakistan (TTP)
  • Jundallah
  • Army of Islam (AOI)
  • Indian Mujahedeen (IM)
  • Jemaah Anshorut Tauhid (JAT)
  • Abdallah Azzam Brigades (AAB)
  • Haqqani Network (HQN)
  • Ansar al-Dine (AAD)
  • Boko Haram
  • Ansaru
  • al-Mulathamun Battalion
  • Ansar al-Shari’a in Benghazi
  • Ansar al-Shari’a in Darnah
  • Ansar al-Shari’a in Tunisia
  • ISIL Sinai Province (formally Ansar Bayt al-Maqdis)
  • al-Nusrah Front
  • Mujahidin Shura Council in the Environs of Jerusalem (MSC)
  • Jaysh Rijal al-Tariq al Naqshabandi (JRTN)
  • ISIL-Khorasan (ISIL-K)
  • Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant’s Branch in Libya (ISIL-Libya)
  • Al-Qa’ida in the Indian Subcontinent

2. Don’t support terrorists

Navy SEALs train. (Photo: Wiki Commons)

If you provide money, supplies, or even a place to stay to a member of a group on the State Department’s list, you’ve supported terrorism. This is bad.

Other activities, like drug trafficking, money laundering, recruiting members of terrorist groups, training new members of terrorist groups, and other forms of facilitating can get you on the official ass kicking list.

If terrorists approach you and ask you for help, mutter an excuse and GTFO.

Once you’ve fled, check out the Rewards for Justice web site; turning a terrorist in could be a way to set yourself up for life. Some terrorists could get you up to $25 million.

Wouldn’t you rather have $25 million than an ass-kicking courtesy of SEAL Team 6?

3. If the SEALs pay a visit, don’t resist

Seen through the greenish glow of night vision goggles, Navy SEALs prepare to breach a locked door in Osama Bin Laden’s compound in the hyper-realistic action thriller from director Kathryn Bigelow, “Zero Dark Thirty.” (Image: Columbia Pictures)

Now, let’s assume that you were dumb enough to attract the professional attention of the SEALs by ignoring Rules 1 and 2. You can still avoid an ass-kicking, but you need to use the common sense you have failed to use up to the point where the SEALs are kicking in the door.

Do not resist. Keep your hands where the SEALs can see them. Do not struggle.

You may get yourself taken to Guantanamo Bay for a while, and yes, the SEALs will take your stuff and look for anything with intelligence value (and some of it may become trophies), but you should be safe from a beating.

Here’s the deal. SEALs are professionals. They’re not gonna kill you just for sh*ts and giggles. But they also intend to go home to their families.

If a SEAL thinks there’s danger present, he’s gonna mitigate that threat.

Don’t threaten Navy SEALs, dude. Just…don’t.

4. Be very cooperative

Detainees in orange jumpsuits sit in a holding area under the watchful eyes of Military Police at Camp X-Ray at Naval Base Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, during in-processing to the temporary detention facility on Jan. 11, 2002.(DoD photo by Petty Officer 1st class Shane T. McCoy, U.S. Navy)

In addition to not resisting, it would be very helpful to cooperate with the SEALs. Answer their questions. Here are a few phrases to practice:

  • “I will answer your questions.”
  • “This is the boss’s laptop and cell phone.”
  • “I can show you where the booby traps are.”
  • “Our cash is over there.”
  • “Our records are in these filing cabinets.”
  • “My password is [tell them your password].”
  • “The combination to the safe is [tell them the combo]”

You may still get the all-expenses paid trip to Gitmo, but the SEALs will note that you were highly cooperative. Your stay there will be much more comfortable than if you clam up.

Follow these rules and you might not get your ass kicked by SEAL Team 6.

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