The best salty retorts by enlisted military leaders

Each of the military branches has a unique culture but they share many common attributes. One of these is the stereotype of the salty, cynical, senior enlisted leader. Scenes from Hollywood that capture this image fairly well are those of Sergeant Major Plumley in the movie We Were Soldiers and of Gunnery Sergeant Highway in Heartbreak Ridge. After decades of service, numerous deployments, and bitter combat a certain hardness sets in which is manifested in particular way of speaking. This speech is characterized by unfiltered directness accompanied by a sarcastic, humorous undertone.

New service members recognize customs and courtesies are a big deal in the military. Structure, organization, and proper protocols play a much more prominent role in the conduct of everyday life than in the civilian world.  Additionally, politeness is a common courtesy one learns when navigating social situations. As such, it is quite common and appropriate to respond with “thank you” in a whole host of situations. One is taken aback the first time a crusty leader replies “Don’t thank me, Uncle Sam thanks me twice a month.” This, of course, refers to the fact that military personnel are paid twice a month, on the first and the fifteenth. In their own manner of speaking the old non-commissioned officer is conveying that they are just doing their job and are paid for doing so.

When explaining oneself, whether communicating a plan or responding to a situation that resulted in unfavorable circumstances, one might use the phrase “We hope that” or “We were hoping” which will quickly be struck down by the seasoned leader. “Hope is not a COA!” COA stands for Course Of Action, or more simply the plan. (If you haven’t figured it out yet, the military loooves acronyms.) What the leader is trying to teach the young trooper is that hope cannot factor into your planning process. Quite often you may have to operate in uncertainty and assumptions are accompanied by risk. It’s better to state what the risks are, plan to mitigate the risk, and identify impacts. Hope is a great attribute in your mental and emotional health, not so in military planning.

Telling your leader, “Well I assumed…” while trying to explain some blunder, ranks right up there with using hope as a COA.  Inevitably, you will hear the age-old response that plays on the spelling of assume. “When you assume you make an ass of u and me.” It’s funny the first time you hear it but laughing in the moment will make your recovery of the situation much harder. The lesson to be learned here is never to assume. You must anticipate, inspect, and verify while remembering that your leader is responsible for you and the unit. If you mess something up, yes, it is your fault, but it is corporately your leader’s fault too. If you want them to be more hands-off, less intrusive, or micro-managing of your duties, then never assume when executing your tasks.

The people-business is always messy. Young, enlisted folks have an amazing capacity to make bad decisions. Dealing with these situations repeatedly as a leader is one of the reasons why senior enlisted folks grow so cynical. A good leader will employ fairness, firmness, and consistency. Empathy, and, at times, yes, compassion are required. There is, however, a difference between empathy and sympathy. An oversimplified explanation is empathy means “I understand” while sympathy means, “I understand, and I feel sorry for you.” There’s a lot of growing up that must be done when one puts on a uniform. The callouses placed on your feet from miles of hiking with a rucksack correlate to the callouses developed in your heart and mind. When you get in trouble, the best response is to own up to it and face the consequences. If you ask your Sergeant Major or Command Master Chief for sympathy, rest assured they will tell you, “You find sympathy in the dictionary, right between sh!t and syphilis”. Ouch!

As previously described about politeness, courtesy, and thank you; my favorite response is, “Don’t thank me, thank your recruiter.” This reply is funny because of its irony. Most people can remember their drill instructor or drill sergeant (or Camp Counselor if you’re in the Air Force), but not many remember their recruiter. Those who do remember them often do so with disdain as they compare their pre-military perception with the reality of being in uniform, forgetting why they really joined. The embedded message in this sarcastic double entendre is either “we should be grateful we are in this organization” or “blame that guy for putting you in this chickensh!t outfit”

If you raise your right hand and don the uniform, you will undoubtedly hear a form of the enlisted leader's salty retorts listed above. Stick around long enough and you will find yourself saying them to the next generation of troopers. Either way it doesn’t take long to realize that humor is a major component to maturity, perspective and adapting to the demanding lifestyle of the military.