5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty - We Are The Mighty
Humor

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

When you gotta go, you gotta go. It doesn’t matter what you might be doing or who might be shooting at you for doing it. This, of course, includes the military personnel who get put in a lot of situations that would test anyone’s nerves. And bladders.


 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
And sometimes stomachs.

There are the times when having to go came in handy. There were times when it was absolutely necessary. There were times when there was no other way. They answered the call of duty while answering the call of nature.

1. Cooling down a Vicker’s machine gun.

During WWI, British-made Vicker’s machine guns needed a waterjacket to keep the weapon cool as it fired hundreds of rounds of flaming death at oncoming enemy troops who fail to understand the meaning of “No Man’s Land.”

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Someone didn’t get that memo. Or didn’t think it applied to her.

 

As long as you kept the barrel cool by replacing the water jackets when they heated, the guns would shoot for hours and hours, totally reliably. But if troops didn’t have a cool water handy to replenish the water, they would instead pee into the gun’s waterjacket. One gunner said it “made the war a bit more personal.”

 

2. Hosing down an aircraft fire.

Being in a bomber over Europe was incredibly dangerous in World War II. It doesn’t matter what job you’re doing in the crew. American bomber crews had a 40% chance of making their sortie quota. The 8th Air Force alone lost 26,000 men. If you want to know how crazy that is, the Marine Corps total killed for all of WWII is around 19,000.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

One of the guys who made it back to England was Airman Maynard “Snuffy” Smith, a gunner over St. Nazaire, France – a place called “Flak City.” It was here Snuffy’s plane was torn to shreds by fighters. The fuel tanks started pouring gas into the plane, which of course caught fire. As Snuffy fired his guns at oncoming Nazi fighters, he forcefully pissed the fires out, tended to his crewmates’ wounds, and chucked the flammable items out the window.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Not pictured: Fire, Bullet holes, blood, pee, etc.

Six more men made it back to England with Snuffy, who was awarded the Medal of Honor. The plane broke in half upon landing, though.

3. Forcing NASA to answer the pressing questions.

In 1961, NASA was still testing the things they would have to be prepared for during space missions – namely, answering President Kennedy’s challenge to put a man on the moon within ten years. Anyone who’s ever been on a long road trip can probably guess what one of the first issues they encountered was.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
I don’t think they thought of jugs.

Except Mercury Redstone 3 wasn’t a long road trip. At 15 minutes, it wasn’t even a long space trip. So what do you do with an astronaut who has to pee at an inopportune time? Simple. Pee in the suit.

Even though it meant short-circuiting the equipment designed to measure his vital signs, Alan Shepard did as instructed by NASA and went in the suit. For better or for worse. His colleagues couldn’t believe Houston told him to do it. (If you’re wondering, Buzz Aldrin was the first to pee on the moon).

4. General Relief.

It would take a psychologist of some specialty to detail what is about peeing on your enemy’s territory and fortifications that makes world leaders and generals want to do it. In fact, it’s the first thing they think of. When Winston Churchill visited Hitler’s Siegfried Line in 1945, he wore a “grin of intense satisfaction.”

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

Churchill wasn’t the only one having a Victory Whiz in Western Europe. General George S. Patton peed in the River Seine as he crossed it, and because he famously announced that he would pee in the Rhine, he made sure someone was there to take a photo.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

5. The wind pisses back.

In 1950, American troops under Gen. Douglas MacArthur led a complete rout of North Korean forces. After almost pushing the Americans and South Koreans into the sea at Pusan, the entire Communist force fell apart after the Inchon Landing. They were driven all the way to the Chinese border at the Yalu River.

President Truman ordered that only South Korean troops be allowed in the Yalu zone, to keep from provoking China. As every military history buff knows, that’s not what happened. MacArthur pushed Gen. Edward Almond’s X Corps to the Yalu as fast as possible. When he got there, he took the ritual pee in the river.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Unfortunately, his race to the river dispersed his forces and allowed the sneak attack by the Chinese (who weren’t thrilled with the pee in their river) to succeed.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Lists

9 things we miss from our Afghanistan deployments

With possibility of a huge troop surge to Afghanistan coming from the Trump administration, We Are The Mighty asked several OEF combat vets what they missed most from their time “in the suck.” Here’s what they had to say.


Related: 7 items every Marine needs before deploying

Thanks to the Facebook page “Bring the Sangin Boys Back” for contributing.

1. Afghan naan bread

Regardless of the rumors how the bread is pressed (by Afghans’ feet) it was delicious.

Here they’re just mixing the bread. (image via Giphy)

2. Band of Brothers

The lifelong friends you made in combat are priceless, and there’s nothing else like it.

Yup. (images via Giphy)

3. Awesome nights

With a lack of electricity, there was no artificial illumination to spoil the night sky, it made the stars pop even more.

Not an Afghan night sky, but you get the point. (images via Giphy)

4. Low responsibility

You went on patrol, pulled some time on post, worked out, slept and…pretty much that’s about it.

woke right up when sh*t went down. (images via Giphy)

5. You got to blow sh*t up  

The best part of the job while serving in the infantry was delivering the ordnance.

3/5 Get Some! (image via Giphy)

6. Firefights

Getting a chance to put all your tough training to use and put rounds down range at the bad guys was freakin’ epic.

It was that fun. (images via Giphy)

7. Getting jacked

When you’re stuck out in the middle of nowhere and have 24 different of high-calorie MREs to choose from, there’s no better way to pass the time than hitting a gym made of sand bags, 2x4s, and engineer sticks.

1,2,… 12 (images via Giphy)

8. Movie night

Huddling around a small laptop watching a comedy or “Full Metal Jacket” was considered a night out on the town. And we loved it.

And felt like you’re in a real theater… not really.  (images via Giphy)

Also Read: How to make a movie theater with your smartphone on deployment 

9. Making memories

Although you we experienced some sh*tty times, nothing beats looking back and remembering the good ones while having a beer with your boys.

To the good times! (image via Giphy)

Bonus: The emotional homecomings

Leaving your family to deploy sucks, but coming home to them — priceless.

We salute all those who serve. Thank you! (images via Giphy) WATM wishes everyone to stay safe and watch your six. That is all.

Humor

6 crazy things MPs have found during vehicle inspections

Anyone who drives up to a military base’s front gates trying to gain access can expect some kind of inspection. The process can be as simple as getting your ID checked, but other times you’ll be instructed to drive into the vehicle examination lane, where MPs, or military police, bust out the undercarriage mirror and drug-sniffing dogs.


Most people don’t care because they have nothing to hide, but on some occasions, MPs make some interesting discoveries.

Related: 9 examples of the military’s dark humor

We asked a few our of MP friends about the craziest things they’ve found during their vehicle inspections. Here’s what they said:

6. Male-enhancement pumps

We’re told this is the most embarrassing one to be caught with… Strangely, nobody ever claims ownership.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

5. Steroids

Yup. Those are illegal no matter how much they improve your bench press. Unsurprisingly, this product is commonly found among servicemembers who carry the infantry MOS.

4. Marijuana

Even if the plant is legal in your state, it’s still illegal on military bases. The amounts vary from a few grams to several ounces. Often, the substance is hidden in shoe boxes and gas tanks.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
This smuggler decided to hide their stash in a shoe box. (Photo from Wikipedia Commons)

3. Inflated blow-up dolls

Nope! You’re not getting a visual, but you can use your brilliant imagination… failing that, there’s always Google.

2. Ninja weapons

You never know when you need to fight evil forces.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Also Read: 6 crazy things actually found in boot camp amnesty boxes

1. Urine bottles

Some servicemembers have to work as duty drivers, and they log several hours in government vehicles. They, too, are subject to inspections. If the servicemember is under time constraints and making a pit stop isn’t on the schedule, an empty bottle of Gatorade works just as well.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Maybe it’s Gatorade?

Humor

6 signs she is more in love with your contract than you

Many service members can recall their recruiter’s insistence that they will be swarmed with the attention of beautiful women as soon as they graduate from basic. For the most part, this claim is incorrect.


However…

There are those who are absolutely into the fact that you signed on the dotted line. One can usually find them within close proximity to a military base, keeping always on the alert, and searching for their future spouse. Of course this would never happen to you but, if you think your buddy is in a relationship with someone like this, there are signs to look for:

Related: 5 things boot Marines buy with their first paycheck

6. She approaches you at a service bar

You walk into the bar just outside base, have a seat with your boys, you all are celebrating finally making it to fleet. You walk to the bar for another round when she taps you on the shoulder. She is gorgeous — you’ve never talked to girl like this, much less had one approach you. Must be your lucky day right? Well…

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

5. She asks if you are married, not if you’re single

Ok, maybe it’s just you — after all, you’re much more fit than you used to be and she doesn’t even know you serve. How could she? (haircut, farmer’s tan, affliction t-shirt) Then she asks if you are married. Not if you are single — but if you are married. This is a little to the point but maybe she just knows what she wants. Maybe she saw you and just fell in love.

4. She knows your contract better than you

You let her know that you are not married, that you live in the barracks, and have your meals at the chow hall. She informs you that if you were married you could live off base and could eat whatever you want, whenever you want.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
So I give you this and then I can get an apartment?

3. She explains BAH to you

You kindly explain to her that you wouldn’t be able to afford to live off base and the cost of groceries is also a little steep. She smiles at you the same way an adult does a child, pats you on the head and says, “Oh sweetie, you sweet ignorant little thing, the basic allowance for housing is X amount of dollars here which is more than enough for us to live in a small place, not to mention the basic allowance for subsistence which would get you off that prison food in the chow hall.”

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Yes, but you can’t PROVE anything… (Image via imgflip)

 

2. She proposes to you just before deployment.

So you’ve been dating now for two-weeks and things are getting serious. She sits on your rack and stares at her phone while you play video games in your barracks room. Things are perfect, until you hear her say it. “You should get married before you deploy.” (Pauses game, turns slowly)

“They’d pay you so much more: BAH, SAH, separations pay, hazardous duty pay, baby you’d clean up.”

Also Read: 5 things infantrymen love about the woobie

1. She needs health care

So you are married now, congratulations. First deployment is about to be underway, and where is your new bride? She was at the dentist on Monday, the dermatologist on Tuesday, optometrist Wednesday, and seems to have a healthy relationship with the ear nose and throat doctor. It may be time for you to make an appointment with the proctologist, because this is all highly suspect.

Articles

6 myths civilians believe about Marines

Since Nov. 10th, 1775, the Marine Corps’ rich history of kicking ass and taking names has charmed Americans and earned their respect all across the United States. Because of that, civilians see Marines in a different perspective than the Navy, Air Force, or even Army.


Since every branch of the military has a particular image that the general population associates them with, we asked several civilians, “What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about the Marines?”

Related: 5 military myths that Hollywood has taught us to believe are true

Here’s what they said:

1. They have to be super patriotic to join

Most of them are, but others just couldn’t see themselves serving in another branch.

Now I’m joining the Corps! (Images via Giphy)

2. All Marines have to go war and fight

Not true. The Marines Corps is made of several different elements other than the infantry, like aircraft maintenance, logistics, and duties that cause your Marine to sit in an office and analyze intel all day — so breathe easy, momma bear.

Dammit, Carl! (Images via Giphy)

3. They’re all excellent shots with a rifle

Most are, but a low number of recruits score just high enough to earn the “rifle marksman” medal, a.k.a. the “pizza box.” All Marines must rifle qual before they can graduate from basic training, but it takes extra training and skill to earn higher levels of marksmanship.

Ask a Marine to explain this joke. (Images via Giphy)

4. They’re buff and strong

Most are pretty jacked, but many are just normal size — they make it up by having tons of heart.

Oh, Master Sergeant! (Images via Giphy)

5. They are mean and scary as hell

Marines can get pretty intense, but that just shows their passion. While a Marine can get super scary (especially when they gain rank or come in contact with people they just don’t like), some get by with just a quiet intensity.

But most of the time they’re fun loving. (Images via Giphy)

6. They’re brainwashed in boot camp

Negative, Ghost Rider.

They are just influenced to love their country and branch of service at an exceptionally high level through various mental and physical activities.

They have to be, to carry out the missions they’re are asked to do.

Sometimes this involves screaming while brushing their teeth — which may happen. (Images via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Articles

These are the 7 most disappointing military commanders in Westeros

Daenerys Targaryen FINALLY landed on Westeros in HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” She’s even started using the dragons and Dothraki on Westerosi armies! Even though she hasn’t (yet) moved on King’s Landing, there’s a lot of reason to believe it’s just a matter of time before the “game” is over.


5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
The face you make when you have the only Air Force.

This gives us a chance to stop and reflect on all the battles and strategies in the game that led us here. Even better, it gives us a chance to laugh at the worst leaders in the place and question why the hell they thought they could hang in the first place. At least Tommen knew he just wasn’t cut out for it.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Tommen performs an actual king’s landing.

7. Theon Greyjoy

Theon’s big victory wasn’t even really a fight. He told the Stark Army there was an attack somewhere else, and when they left he forced Bran to concede Winterfell to him. Then, right before the Iron Born immediately turned on him, he killed some farmer’s family and torched their two kids. Cool.

You know who the real loser was in the sack of Winterfell?

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Yes, an argument could be made for Ser Rodrick.

Rickon Stark. Rickon is the real loser in all this. By the time the Starks retake Winterfell, Bran can see through time, Arya has face-melting assassin skills, Jon Snow is hanging with the Mother of Dragons, and Sansa runs the place. What did Rickon get?

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Oh riiiiiiiiiight…

Theon sucks. He knew it, his men knew it, the Boltons knew it. And he’s at number seven on this list because we knew it too.

6. Ramsay Bolton

Sure, he seized the North (after it was decimated by the Iron Born, but whatever). We’ll give that to him. But the thing about the way a ruler like Ramsay Bolton operates is that there has to be an element of fear to fighting for him. That also means that there has to be a good chance you’ll survive. If you know you’re going to die no matter what, it makes it difficult to fight for survival.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Also, when his gimmick is a bunch a flayed dudes, you have to wonder who’s getting flayed next.

In the Battle of the Bastards, Ramsay so casually mows down his own troops with arrows to the point that they’re indistinguishable from the enemy in the pile of bodies. See if you can spot the point when a bunch more guys from the Bolton Army would have really come in useful during the Battle of the Bastards:

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Look closely.

Where was the shirtless Ramsay Bolton who fought the Iron Born at the Dread Fort?

5. Joffrey Baratheon

If only Stannis Baratheon had attacked King’s Landing with a bunch of prostitutes, then Joffrey would know how to kill the enemy. Donning the King’s Armor in the one time he had a chance to be a real leader, he bravely left the battlefield to go see what his mom wanted.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

And don’t forget, Arya was embarrassing Joffrey before it was cool…and before she even had face-wrecking assassin powers.

4. Balon Greyjoy

Remember Balon? No? Funny how the worst among us are completely forgotten as soon as someone with skills and ability comes along.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
(Stares in Iron Born)

The thing about Balon that’s different from most of the people on this list is that the other people had a reputation for valor, daring, and strategic thinking before the events depicted on the show. Not Balon. Before the events of the show, Balon led a rebellion from the Iron Islands and was quickly owned by Ned Stark. His biggest win was having Theon taken hostage.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
We all know how that turned out.

Everyone spends the first season making fun of Balon in front of Theon. Only Yara gave a damn when Euron threw the old man over a bridge. In fact, the whole Game of Thrones series got exponentially better as soon as someone killed Balon.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
The world actually cheered as Balon was helped off the show. Probably.

3. The Night King

The Night King has existed since the age of the Children of the Forest. He has practically unlimited manpower that only grows the more he fights. And it’s next to impossible to stop his army in close quarters combat…unless you can figure out the three things that can actually hurt them.  And the Night King is giving the living SO MUCH TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
¯/_(‘   ‘)_/¯

Seriously, what is he doing beyond the wall? Every time we see him, he and his army of White Walkers look like they’re just walking around endlessly. Don’t they know they’re supposed to attack in the winter? I know it’s supposed to be the longest winter ever but that doesn’t mean he has to wait until the last minute to attack.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
One step at a time? Oh jeez this is going to take FOREVER.

If he just started attacking now, he could swarm The Wall before Jon Snow can mine the Dragon Glass. Or before Dany can beat Cersei and focus the dragons on the North. But no, he’s going to walk around the land beyond The Wall because it’s apparently much more fun than winning.  People who are older than history love to take walks.

2. Jaime Lannister

For all the stories you hear about Ser Jaime’s fighting ability, all he ever seems to do is get captured or almost die. When he does win, it’s not because he’s actually fighting. He makes the disappointment list because you feel like he should be better at fighting. And yet we have come to love him anyway.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
But you could choose someone who isn’t your sister.

Jaime didn’t kill Tyrion even though he believed Tyrion killed his son. Jaime failed to kill a small child by throwing him out a window. Even in combat, we’ve seen more success from Samwell Tarly. Tyrion managed to get a few kills in at the Blackwater — the most Jaime ever did was kill his cousin and lose a hand for his trouble.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Yeah, nice.

It’s mind-boggling why Tyrion is the most disappointing Lannister (to the Lannisters, I mean). Jaime is the biggest liability in Westeros and all Tyrion has to do is tell an Army, “Let’s go kill those dudes attacking our city,” and he wins the day.

“But what about Riverrun?” you might ask. Early on, we hear about Jaime taking Riverrun from the Riverlords but by season six, he has to go retake it from the Blackfish. Taking a castle doesn’t do you any good if you can’t keep it. Ask Theon Greyjoy about that.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
You’ll have to catch him first.

For the ultimate in Jaime Lannister’s bad decision-making skills, see the last five minutes of the seventh season episode “The Spoils of War” and remember Jaime’s quote: “We can hold them off.” Hey bud, everyone knows she’s got fire-breathing dragons and a barbaric horde of Dothraki horse archers.

Not only did Jaime do nothing for his troops, he didn’t even get the anti-dragon gun ready to fight. That thing stayed in the wagon waaaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Stannis Baratheon

For what all the bookreaders have to say about Stannis Baratheon, we sure expected some magic from this guy. The only magical thing about Stannis came out of Melisandre.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Run, Jon Snow. This will not end well.

At the Battle of the Blackwater, Stannis drove his Navy into the bay, which would seem like the best idea. But a little bit of intel work and he would have known the Lannisters poured a ton of electric green stuff into the bay in anticipation of the battle, which everyone knew was coming. Then, Stannis did exactly what everyone expected him to do – a frontal assault. No wonder the Lannisters knew exactly how to wipe the floor with his gate crashers.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
If Baratheon leadership could be summed up in one clip, this would be it.

Also, underestimating the wealthiest family on the continent was a terrible call. They control Casterly Rock and King’s Landing. Why did Stannis never consider the possibility of a relief force from Casterly Rock? Tywin Lannister was known for his ability as a soldier and general and the Lannisters were allied with the Tyrells. Stannis, whose moves surprise no one, never considers outside forces. Like…did he forget he was in The War of Five Kings?

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Stannis has never been good at showing emotion. Or leadership ability. Or fatherhood. Or anything, really.

To top that, the real heir to Robert Baratheon led a depleted army against Winterfell. A real commander would work to prepare the army, maybe get some more allies at the last minute, work on a secret plan or weapon to even the odds of assaulting a fortified position. Not Stannis. His ace in the hole was to roast his daughter alive.

Humor

6 of the worst times to salute officers

Saluting is a powerful, non-verbal communication that shows proper respect to a military officer. Although there’s no real written record of how or where the tradition began, precursors to the salute date far back in history when warriors would raise their right hand (traditionally the weapon hand) as a signal of friendship.


The practice of saluting has gone fairly unchanged throughout history. The subordinate hand-gestures first when in the presence of a superior who, in turn, responds accordingly — lower-ranking personnel salute higher-ranking service members first.

Recruits learn how to hand salute in boot camp and demonstrate it hundreds of times before heading out to active duty. The gesture becomes instant as muscle memory takes over.

Although the gesture is meant to pay respect, there are times when an officer doesn’t want to see that salute — and here are just a few.

Related: 5 things enlisted troops love but officers hate

1. Before Monday-morning, boots-and-utes PT when they’re still hungover from the weekend.

Officers like to drink, too.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
“Major? This is the general. Send over that boot lieutenant, will you? I’m too hungover for this ‘boots and utes’ run.”

2. When they’re trying to have a legit conversation and it keeps getting interrupted by incoming and outgoing hand salutes.

Officers have a unit to run and that requires them to chat it up. Their concentration doesn’t need to be broken every time a boot walks through the area.

3. When there are a few dozen enlisted troops headed their way and they must return the salute over, and over, and over again.

The struggle is real, folks.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

4. When an officer is in a rush to go home.

Just like any enlisted troop out there, officers want their liberty time, too.

Also Read: 6 things officers love but enlisted troops can’t stand

5. In a war zone.

You might as well put a bullseye on the officer’s forehead. It’s just not a good idea — don’t do it.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Joker meets Mr. Touchdown, a Marine officer, and salutes him in Vietnam. It’s not a good idea. (Screenshot from Warner Brother’s Full Metal Jacket)

6. When they’re just sore as f*ck from arm day at the gym.

Officers have to keep up physically with all those motivated enlistees. Hitting the gym on the regular helps them compete.

Humor

8 useful habits veterans form in the military

When you’re in the military, every bit of civilian life is broken out of you. When a veteran returns to civilian life, there are plenty of habits that get dropped like a bag of bricks. Slowly, we learn to sleep in a bit more and not get upset if someone in our new office has a bit of stubble. Some habits, however, aren’t turned off because of how much of an edge it gives us over civilians.


8. Calling people “sir” or “ma’am”

Respect is a two-way street. Start a conversation with someone with respect and they’ll look at you better for it.

 

Even if it hurts our soul, we’ll still use “sir” and “ma’am.” (Image via GIPHY)

7. Scheduling and being 15 minutes early

Every hour of every day is planned. Routes are checked well beforehand to see how long it’ll take to get somewhere and departure times are planned accordingly. Even with the planning, veterans still make it there before the given time, just in case.

Admittedly, it’s a pain when nobody else gets it and we have to find something to occupy our time while we wait.

Eh. We’ll find something else to do. (Image via GIPHY)

6. Preplanning every detail (with backups)

When veterans arrive, we have a game plan — with an alternate plan, and a contingency plan, and an emergency plan…

In that one-in-a-hundred time where we don’t have a plan, our “winging it” skills are on point.

The typical “Plan D” is to say, “f*ck it” and leave. (Image via GIPHY)

5. Eating fast

While we all need food to survive, it just takes too much damn time to consume it. Veterans cut the fat and use that extra fifteen minutes each meal to wait in front of wherever we’re going next.

This doesn’t stop when a veteran gets out of service. Take speed eating and eliminate the need to stay fit and you quickly get an idea why some vets get fat.

Every vet during their first week at Fort Couch. (Image via GIPHY)

4. Driving aggressively

We drive recklessly and safe at the same time. We’ll swerve in and out of traffic like it’s nothing and yet our driving records are spotless.

Some people might view this as us “driving like assholes.” We call it “I didn’t like that cardboard box / White Toyota Helix on the side of the road.”

That’s basically the reason why we always drive in the middle of the road. (Image via GIPHY)

3. Not complaining about weather

Ever hear a veteran complain that it’s too cold, too hot, too wet, or too snowy? Hell no.

Whatever the weather, at least we’re not enduring it in the field.

PCSing to nearly every base on the planet does that to you. (Image via GIPHY)

2. Using more accurate terminology

The English language is fascinating. While most civilians make up some onomatopoeia and call it a “thingy,” troops and veterans will usually default to whatever we called it in the service.

A bathroom is a “latrine” or “head” because you’re not going in there to bathe. If something is “ate-up” or a “charlie foxtrot,” we can point out how much of a clusterf*ck something is without letting everyone know someone’s a dumbsh*t.

Vet-specific terms are mostly insults though, which leads us to… (Image via GIPHY)

1. Pointing out peoples’ flaws in a polite and effective manner

In the military, troops need to be able to tell the person who outranks them by a mile that something’s wrong.

Troops can tell a General — in a polite way — that their boot is untied. Troops can also tell a Private that they’re a friggin’ idiot for showing up to PT formation only 9 minutes early.

We’re quick to point out the flaws. (Image via GIPHY)

*Bonus* Morning workout routine

Many vets still work out. The rest either embrace Fort Couch or lie about it — but we know the truth.

No one’s judging. (Image via GIPHY)

Humor

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

The commander is the head of every unit — there’s no question about that. But sometimes, you just need the ‘neck’ of the unit to turn just slightly towards your paperwork to get it expedited. That ‘neck’ is the training room clerk.


Now, flat-out bribery is a UCMJ offense, but you don’t need to be all “Fat Leonard” to get things done the way that you want. Maybe you’ve got a school you really want to get to, an award packet that’s been sitting in the inbox for too long, or you’re kinda hoping that your leave packet gets approved. If the clerk is on your side, things will definitely be more pleasant.

These are 5 ways you can persuade that clerk. Remember, you’re not ‘buying’ your way through the training room — it’s their job, they should do it anyways — you’re just making friends.

5. Befriend them off duty

Training room staff usually are stuck in a vacuum. While most of the unit bonds over shared suffering, they’re often handling hand receipts or training calendars.

Invite them out for a drink and you’ve got yourself a friend on the inside.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
This might explain why every training room clerk I’ve met is a beer pong champ. (Image via Flickr)

4. Bring them stuff from the shopette

Once again, flat-out bribery is punishable under UCMJ. But is it still bribery if you’re just saying, “hey, training room clerk, I’m making a quick trip to the gas station. Want anything?”

Technically, yes, it’s bribery if your intent is obviously to get the paperwork done. It isn’t bribery, however, if one troop is just being nice to another.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Donuts are a lot cheaper than actual bribery anyways. (U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Kayla Newman)

3. Scratch their back first

There’s an old military saying about having four friends. You want to befriend “the cook, the medic, supply, and (insert whoever is saying the phrase).” It may sound trite, but it really does apply to everyone in every unit.

Of course, support MOS’s have more lucrative tokens with which to barter, but that doesn’t mean the combat arms guys can’t help the training room clerk be less of a POG.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Oh? You want more bacon? That’s funny, because I want to take leave… (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Jesús Rodríguez)

2. Welcome them in doing “non-training room” things

Everyone joins the military for different reasons. That’s over two million people with over two million unique goals in life. One common thread, however, is that many enlist to satisfy a sense of adventure and for a chance to do cool sh*t. They probably didn’t join the military so they can skulk around an office all day.

This is what the combat arms guys bring to the table. Bring the training room guy along to the fun exercises and let them play soldier for a few hours. That way, they can get back to processing your boring paperwork feeling a bit more accomplished.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
At least let them feel like they actually joined the military. (U.S. Marine Corps Photo by Pfc. Heather Atherton)

1. Don’t be a dick

Simply put, raising your voice at them won’t work. It may feel like you’re accomplishing something when you watch a private wet themselves, but it probably won’t make them shuffle your paperwork to the top.

Yes, they should move at the military’s pace and not their own. If there’s a real problem, address it in a professional manner. If the kid is left alone with stacks of paperwork, cut them some slack and at least pretend like you empathize with them.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
A little kindness goes a long way. (Photo by Sgt. Justin Naylor)

Articles

The 7 worst air forces in the world

If there’s one thing U.S. Marines and soldiers can depend on from their Air Force, it’s that the USAF isn’t just going to let them get napalmed. The idea of losing air cover never crosses our troops’ minds. The U.S. Air Force is good like that. Other countries…not so much.


Air Forces like the United States’ and Israel’s are just always going to be tops. So don’t expect we’re going to go dumping on Russia just because they have a turboprop bomber from 1956 (the American B-52 is even older).

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

We’re also not here to make fun of countries without an air force. There are 196 countries in the world (seriously — Google it.) and not all of them have air forces…or armed forces at all. Grenada hasn’t had a military since the U.S. invaded in 1983. Can you imagine a world without militaries?

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
*Shudder*

The criteria are simple. We’re talking about the worst air forces among countries who are actually trying to have an air force and failing at it, have a definite rival to compete with and are seriously behind, or are actively fighting a conflict they can’t seem to win.

7. Canada

Oh, Canada. I hate that I have to add you to this list. I hate that you’re on this list. But Canada, you’re probably the only country on this list who’s personnel isn’t one of the primary reasons. This is all about poor decision making in Ottawa.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Canadian Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan meeting Jim Mattis is a start in the right direction.

Canada chose to update its fighter fleet of aging Hornets with…Super Hornets. At a time when the rest of NATO is getting their F-35 on, Canada is buying more of the same – probably for parts, so they can stop stealing parts from museums. The issue is even worse now that Super Hornet pilots know they can actually run out of air at any time.

The good news is first: Canada has room for improvement. Second, they could totally take on any other air force…on this list.

The worst part has to be Canada’s Sea King helicopter fleet and their problem with staying airborne. Just to get them in the air, they require something like 100 maintenance hours for every hour of flight time.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Five Second Rule! (RCAF photo by Cpl. Michael Bastien, Services d’imagerie des FMAR)

To make it all even worse, Canada is having hard time finding anyone interested in joining the RCAF.

6. The Gulf Cooperation Council

More than two full years after Houthi rebels toppled the government in Yemen, the six-state GCC coalition – consisting of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman, UAE, Bahrain, and until recently, Qatar – are still unable to dislodge them. The reason why? Probably because much of the senior leadership is based on royal family lineage, not merit.

It’s a good thing their real defense is provided by the United States, because Iran would wipe the floor with these guys.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

When the Yemen conflict first broke out, the Saudis launched a 100-fighter mission called “decisive storm” in an effort to help dislodge the rebels. If by “decisive,” they meant “bombing a wedding that killed and injured almost 700 people and makes the U.S. reconsider the alliance,” then yeah. Decisive.

As of June 2017 the war is still ongoing and has killed at least 7,600 and destroyed much of the infrastructure.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Like this enemy mall. Nice shootin’, Tex. The clothes aren’t even off the racks.

The Royal Saudi Air Force, the largest of the GCC countries’ air forces, is upgrading their Tornado IDS and Typhoon fighters for billions of dollars, while the West sells them our old F-15s so we can all upgrade to the F-35 and they can keep hitting Womp Rats back home.

5. Sudan

Also currently involved in the useless bombing of Yemen, Sudan’s Air Force is predominantly made up of re-hashed Soviet MiG-17s and MiG-21s from the 1960s. It’s a good thing for the Sudanese that they only fight forces that can barely shoot back, because this entire air force could get annihilated by a couple of combat Cessnas.

Related: This Combat Cessna can shoot Hellfire missiles

The Sudanese Air Force is so bad, they hire retirees from the Soviet Air Force to fly in their parades, and even they get shot down by rebels.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Sudan’s third-hand Soviet plane from the 1960s is their biggest weapon. (The Aviationist)

The fun doesn’t stop there. Most of their cargo aircraft and and transports are also Soviets from the 1960s, which was unfortunate for half of Sudan’s senior military leadership, who died in an air force plane crash in 2001. And their most recent and advanced planes are Chinese trainer aircraft from the 1990s.

But wait, you might say that the future of combat aviation is in UAVs. Even then, Sudan’s Air Force is pretty awful. They buy old Iranian prop-driven drones, ones that can be used for reconnaissance or weaponized with a warhead. The only problem is that the drone can’t drop the warhead, it has to ram the target.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
A time-tested tactic.

But even when they’re only used for recon, the damn things just don’t stay in the air.

4. Switzerland

If you ever got annoyed with a USAF Medical Group for having Wednesday off as a training day, or you look with disdain upon the nonners who work banker’s hours, despite being in the military, consider the fact that they still work and are on call 24-7 to work, deploy, or back up Security Forces.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Related: 32 Terms only airmen will understand

If you want to make fun of a corporate Air Force, look no further than Switzerland, who doesn’t operate during non-business hours, 0800-1800 daily. During their off-hours, Swiss airspace is defended by Italy and France.

It reached the height of ridiculousness when the Swiss wouldn’t respond to a hijacked plane in 2014 and the other countries had to scramble fighters.

3. Pakistan

Pakistan has had air superiority approximately never. In the 1965 Indo-Pakistani War, India used British-made Folland Gnat trainer aircraft that were armed for combat against U.S.-provided Pakistani Air Force F-86 Sabres. And India won. It wasn’t even close.

So for the next war, the Pakistanis called in as a ringer to train their air force.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
He’s still proud of them.

In the 1971 war with India, India achieved immediate air superiority over Bangladesh (then called East Pakistan), which is admittedly pretty far from the bulk of Pakistan’s air space. But surprise! Pakistan was still forced to surrender some 90,000 troops and Bangladesh was created from the ashes.

Pakistan sparked another war with India in 1999 but this time, they negated the need for air superiority by fighting most of the conflict at high mountain altitudes. The altitude limited the Indian Air Force’s ability to support its ground troops.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Kudos on your female pilots, Pakistan. But great PR isn’t going to win wars.

These days, the PAF has no Air Superiority Fighters and no Airborne Early Warning and Control planes — India does. India’s transport and fighter fleet are also more advanced, newer, and carry better weapons.

2. Syria

Syrian airspace can belong to anyone who wants it. Anyone at all. Especially if they come at night, because the Syrian Air Force doesn’t have the ability to fly at night. By 2013 they became more effective, but the start of the Civil War, almost half of the SAF’s ground attack aircraft couldn’t even fly.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
They also have trouble flying when it rains Tomahawks.

That’s only recently. During the 1948 Israeli War, the young Israeli Air Force was able to hit Damascus with impunity, despite being comprised of a bunch of WWII veterans who happened to have old German airplanes.

In the 1967 war with Israel (who also had to fight Egypt, Jordan, Iraq, and Lebanon, not to mention the money and materiel coming from every other Arab country), two-thirds of Syria’s Air Force was destroyed on the ground. On the first day. The rest of the SAF sat out that war.

In 1973, the Syrians were actually able to hit Israeli positions, but that’s only because the IDF’s air forces were busy either in Egypt or napalming entire Syrian armored columns while their air cover was away.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Do you want to lose the Golan Heights? Because that’s how you lose the Golan Heights.

The biggest loss against Israel came in the 1982 Lebanon War, where 150 aircraft from Syria and Israel fought for six days straight. Israel shot down 24 Syrian MiG-23s – without losing a single plane. The battle became known as the “Bekaa Valley Turkey Shoot.”

1. North Korea

Big surprise here. Military experts straight up say the Korean People’s Army Air Force is the “least threatening branch” of the North Korean military.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Pictured here are two reasons why North Korea’s air force is awful, and neither of them are female.

That’s a big deal, considering their Navy is also a mess and that the only reason anyone fears a war with North Korea is because they have a thousand rockets and artillery shells pointed at Seoul. It says a lot about you when the only reason you haven’t been destroyed is because we care more about one city on the other side of the border than your entire shit country.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Marshal Kim Jong Un inspecting ground targets worth 50 points to American pilots in this undated photo. (KCNA)

Historically, the North’s airborne successes came because of their patron in the Soviet Union. That was a long time ago.

North Korean pilots get something like 20 flight hours a year. If you think about it, I almost tied them and I didn’t even train. And when they do train, fuel reserves for actual flying are so scarce that their primary simulator is their imagination.

Their aircraft are so old, a few of them could have actually fought in the Korean War. Against their main enemy (the U.S.), the best this air force could do is create a target-rich environment. Even with a fleet of 1,300 planes, the only credible air defense the North can muster is from ground-based anti-aircraft and SAM sites.

Finally, there is a lot of talk about North Korean nukes but right now, if the DPRK wanted to nuke someone in a war, they’d have to sneak the nuke in on horseback. If there’s a horse they didn’t eat already.

Humor

6 practical jokes you played on the FNGs

In the military, practical jokes help pass time, generate camaraderie, and send a message of where you rank socially. The truth is, practical jokes are the reason for some of a troop’s most ingenious uses of time.


If you think about it, it can take a considerable amount of time to come up with various ways to prank somebody when they least expect it and get them to laugh about it afterward.

So, what kind of practical jokes do service members play on one another? Well, the list is long, but here are a few common ones that are easy to pull off.

www.youtube.com

Go find the blinker fluid

You know, the fluid that keeps your blinker lights shining bright? It’s an essential fluid that powers the electrical current of the blinker. So, when your sergeant or corporal tells you to go locate a bottle of blinker fluid and top off the Humvee — you better do it most ricky-freakin’-tick.

Below is a tutorial video on how to accomplish such an easy task.

Getting your mattress stamped at the quarterdeck

When you check in to your first training school or unit, it’s written in some rule book somewhere that you must get your mattress stamped at the quarterdeck before you sleep on it. This means you’ll have to haul the bed to the quarterdeck, locate the Watch, and have them whip out their “mattress stamp.”

Note: The Watch may give you a dirty look when you ask for the stamp, but that’s normal.

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Getting your ID10T form signed

This is one of the most critical forms that every FNG is required to get signed by everyone in their chain of command. First, head to the personnel office and ask for it. They may give you a hard time, but it’s all apart of their SOP.

Keep demanding the paperwork until they cave.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Giphy

Pouring Tabasco sauce in a sleeping troop’s mouth

Like they say, “you’ll have time to sleep when you’re dead.” As a newbie in the field, falling asleep with your mouth open just isn’t a good idea — like ever.

Tossing a training grenade into the berthing areas

It’s only funny to the guy tossing the training grenade inside. And usually nobody ever gets hurt… for the most part. Although the act seems dangerous and childish, it’s a solid way to train your troops never to let their guard down.

Service members love to spin their shenanigan bullsh*t and make it sound like legit training. It’s our unique talent.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

Giphy

Yell out, “attention on deck!” when you catch a troop dozing off

You never know when a superior officer is going to make their way over, so you need to be prepared at all times.
Don’t let them catch you slippin’.

Humor

5 reasons why troops hate going to sick call

The military is widely known for giving free medical and dental benefits to its service members and their families. Sometimes there can be a co-pay, but overall it’s a pretty sweet deal.


Although going to medical is also a smart way to skate your way through the day.

But many hate the idea and just want to conduct their business and get out. The fact is, unlike sick commandoes (you know who you are), you’ve got work to do and don’t want to spend your day fighting your way through the process of being seen.

So check out these reasons why troops hate going to sick call.

Related: 4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

1. Long waits

Depending on what command you report to every morning, you’re required to be there at a specific time. In most cases, medical is usually open before you need to get to work or it never closes. Since the majority of the military population (not all) are seeking to get an SIQ chit (Sick in Quarters) and stay home, they show up at the butt-crack of dawn like everyone else, causing long lines.

Unless you’re very high ranking or know the doctor well — you’re going to have to wait.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Military members wait in a sick call line. (Photo: Senior Airman Josie Walck)

2. One chief complaint at a time

Military doctors treat dozens of patients per day then have to write up and complete the S.O.A.P. note. They’re typically face-to-face with the patient for just a few minutes, but behind the scenes, they can spend valuable time developing a treatment plan.

An unwritten guideline is a doctor only has time to treat one symptom or chief complaint per visit — that’s if the issues aren’t related. So in many cases, if you have a headache and a twisted ankle, pick one then wait in line to be seen for the other. So hopefully the medic or corpsman who’s helping out knows what he or she is doing and can treat you on the side.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
A Corpsman takes a look at his patient during sick call. (DOD photo)

3. Missing paperwork

Depending on your duty station, you may notice that the staff hand wrote the majority of your documented medical visits and probably never scanned them into the computer. That means there’s only one copy floating around.

When you plan on separating and you file for disability claiming you were seen in medical for that shoulder injury, if it isn’t in your medical record, it didn’t happen.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
HM3 Tristian Thomas reviews a patient’s medical record. (Photo by Photographer’s Mate 3rd Class Randall Damm)

Also Read: 5 key differences between Army medics and Navy corpsmen

4. The ole run around

When doctors order labs or x-rays in hospitals, staff members usually come to the patient to either extract the sample or transport them to the right area.

In a sick call setting, those services may not even be located in the same building. So good luck getting from A to B.

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Getting around on base in a hurry can feel like New York City traffic.

5. Not getting what you want

Patients frequently enter medical feeling sick as a dog and convince themselves they wouldn’t be efficient at work. So when your temperature reads normal and the doctor doesn’t see a reason to let you go home for the day, don’t hate on medical when you get…

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

Can you think of any others? Comment below

Humor

The most unintentionally hilarious Rumsfeld ‘snowflake’ memos

When the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages’ worth of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos were released after an almost seven-year-long legal battle under the Freedom of Information Act, people were eager to read them. The first 913 pages cover part of his time as the Secretary of Defense during 2001.


They were nicknamed “snowflakes” by his aides, as the pieces of paper would often have just a few sentences written them and would cover the Pentagon like a blizzard. It is completely understandable that former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was a busy man pre- and post-9/11, but his memos make him seem less like the Chief Executive Officer of the Armed Forces and more like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.

While all 913 pages (well, 912 — page 262 is blank) of the snowflakes can be found here, we’ve taken the liberty to poke fun at what was sure to have given Pentagon staffers a headache.

1. He wanted a single piece of paper describing all the aircraft and ranking them by cost and “lethality”

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Obviously the BRRRRRRRT is number one. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

2. He thinks “Homeland Defense” sounds too German.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Homeland. Vaterland. Same thing, right? (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

3. He probably understood how sh*t of a campaign “Army of One” actually was

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
It really was a sh*t slogan. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

4. He wanted “food buttons” and was told they’re already in the works by the Sergeant Major of the Army

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Lucky… I want a food button… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

5. He asked if the military had a policy on gambling. The article he was referencing is here.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
If the boss doesn’t know about the rule, does that mean we get a pass to gamble?(Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

6. He mentioned bringing up a test for soldiers to wear the black beret that was Army-wide on June 14th, 2001.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
There was one. They were called Ranger School or SF Selection. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

7. He wondered why the DoD protected the endangered wildlife native to military installations

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
You dare insult the 29 Palms Tortoise!?! Those creatures are… yeah. They’re pretty f*cking useless. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

8. He hates initials, acronyms, and words he doesn’t understand.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

9. He wondered why the Navy trains.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Yeah, Navy! What do you even do? …Oh? Lots? Oh, okay. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

10. He wanted an eye open for oil.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Well, conspiracy theorists, have fun with this one… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

11. He couldn’t get the conference call to work properly.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Blame S-6. Everyone else does. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

12. He doesn’t like standing for interviews. He wants to lean forward.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Looks like somebody researched body language. BZ. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

13. He got really ticked off when one of his Generals showed up late.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

 

14. He wanted a list of good things and bad things. No context. Just lists.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
Slow your roll, Petyr Baelish. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

15. He doesn’t have time to figure out time zones.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
12:55. But I mean, Google was only a thing for a few years at this point. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

16. He really wanted that dental appointment.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
At this point, he kind of seems like a passive-aggressive roommate. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

17. He had high hopes that the war on terrorism would end soon.

 

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty
That’s not even a bridge they’ll have to cross over 16 years and one month later. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

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