5 things soldiers should expect, now that we’re all recruiters

The U.S. Army recently released a video in which Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey implores all of those serving to get out there and share their reasons for enlisting — to, ultimately, recruit their friends. The video is entitled, Everybody is a recruiter.

So, ladies and gents: it's official. Each and every soldier within the United States Army is now a recruiter. Who knew that we'd all manage to get in without even going through the recruiting course at Fort Knox? Now all we need to do is get our recruitment numbers up and we can all sport a recruiting badge!

If you can't read between the sarcastic lines, SMA Dan Dailey probably has no intentions of shipping everyone into USAREC and crowd shopping malls across the country. First off, that'd be a logistical nightmare. And secondly, if we were all recruiters, then there'd be nobody left to mop the motor pool when it rains or perform lay-outs for the eight change-of-command ceremony this month.

What SMA Dailey was trying to convey is that everyone had their reason for joining and everyone should share their stories with civilian friends and family members in hopes of inspiring them to follow suit. But that's not as fun as imagining a ridiculous situation in which we all become actual recruiters.

Here's the video for the full context. For a look into the daily lives of Army recruiters through the lens of a joke that's (mildly) at the expense of the most senior enlisted soldier (from one of his biggest fans), read on:

We can't let them realize the Army isn't all rainbows and sunshine until they get to Basic, now can we?

(U.S. Army photo by Lt. Col. Matthew Devivo)

1. We'll all learn to smile through unpleasant situations

One of the biggest challenges a recruiter faces is keeping their military bearing at all times of the day. After all, recruiters, to many civilians, are the face of the military. As much as you'll want to choke-slam that particularly obnoxious teenage applicant through your desk because they referred to you as, "bro," you can't. Not even once.

We'll all have to quietly smile, correct them, and hope we don't scare them into checking out the Navy's recruiter instead.

The paperwork doesn't even stop when you finally get them to swear in. It only ends when they're the drill sergeant's responsibility.

(U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Brandy N. Mejia)

2. We'll all become experts at doing mountains of paperwork by close of business

So, you've managed to get someone interested in enlisting — great work! Your job here is done. Just kidding — you've only just begun.

Think back to when you enlisted. Remember all that paperwork that was shoved in your face? That's nothing compared to the paperwork recruiters have to complete. As a recruiter, you'll have to scrub through every piece of paper that the applicant has touched to make sure they're the right fit for the Army. Birth certificates, diplomas, arrest warrants — you name it. You'll get so good at reading SAT scores that you'll be able to sense which MOS a recruit is suited for well before they do.

It'd be great if all the people coming to the Army booth at the fair actually wanted to enlist — instead of just wanting to fail to impress their friends on the pull-up bar.

(Dept. of the Army photo by Ronald A. Reeves)

3. We'll all learn to motivate lazy applicants who can barely do a single push-up

There's nothing more disheartening than finding yourself staring down some scrawny kid who's probably never broken a sweat in their life after spending the last twelve business days filing out their paperwork. You're going to have to force out a smile and give a rousing, "you can do it!" when they start trembling after just one push-up.

But, hey, they don't have any neck tattoos or active arrest warrants, so they're the best chance you've got at getting your numbers up. God forbid you ever let your numbers slip near the end of the quarter...

But hey! At least you get your own snazzy business cards!​

(Photo by Steven Depolo)

4. We'll all judge our lives based on how "incentive points"

Oh, yeah. The incentive points. We couldn't forget to include the primary reason why every recruiter drinks heavily when they get off duty. Recruiters need to get a certain amount of potential applicants to walk through their doors or else they face a stern talking-to. On one hand, the recruitment quota (or "goals") isn't as bad as most people make it out to be. On the other hand, it'll likely become the single-most important thing in your life.

Getting those nice, little stars on your badge is basically the infantry equivalent of shooting better at the range. The better you shoot/recruit, the better your chances of winning impromptu pissing contests that have nothing to do with the situation at hand.

"What's life like in the Army?" -- Well, at first you'll hate it. Then you won't. Then you'll miss it about two weeks after you get your DD-214.

(U.S. Army photo by Capt. Andrew J. Czaplicki)

5. We'll all have to deal with the worst questions at all hours of the day

At some point in your recruiting career, you'll get so tired of answering so many stupid questions that you'll just stop sugarcoating everything. Now, it's not out of some moral footing, but mostly because lying takes too much creative effort by the time you're answering that question for the 87th time.

"So, I won't be able to become a Delta ranger sniper and do James Bond sh*t?" -- Not with that attitude you won't!
"What options are available for my ASVAB score of 25?" -- Night school.
"If I don't like it, can I just quit at any time?" -- Technically, you can quit whenever you feel like, but legally? F*ck no.