In a stunning reversal after years of tight-lipped silence, Army officials have revealed the capabilities of the "physical training belt," a reflective band soldiers wear around themselves to ward off everything from bullets to badgers to STDs.
"The Department of Defense has previously hidden the details of this lifesaving technology for fear of it falling into the wrong hands," an Army spokesman said in a conference. "But our NATO allies and the American people deserve to know the simple fact: PT belts save lives."
The PT Belt, also known as the "glow" or "reflective" belt, is worn around the chest or waist. According to newly released documents, it bends gravity. Here's what it can do:
The PT Belt's ability to manipulate gravity allows it to reduce the weight of any item it is wrapped around. This means that soldiers carrying a 100-pound ruck and 40-pounds of armor can reduce that load to about 50 "effective pounds" if they use two reflective belts.
The gravity reduction from the combat load can be redirected into an extremely small black hole that guides the bullet away from the soldier. An incoming round headed for center mass won't be pulled away, but can be guided to hit an extremity. A shot originally headed for an extremity will usually miss.
The reflective layer in a PT belt is actually a mesh of microscopic crystals that provide constant holistic healing and realign the service members' chakras. Different PT belts align the chakra in different ways to allow for different benefits:
Yellow PT belts reduce upper brain function, allowing junior troops to act without question.
Green PT belts prevent the buildup of certain pathogens and parasites.
Blue PT belts increase muscular strength but reduce cardiovascular endurance.
4. Animal attacks
PT Belts can reach into the primal part of animal brains to allow the wearer limited control of the creature. Typically this is just enough for troops to more effectively "shoo" animals away, but those with innate beastmaster powers may be able to command the forces of nature. They are typically recruited into the previously top-secret "Camel Spider Corps."
The microscopic crystals in a PT belt reflect the laser beam and break it up, rendering it useless.
Pretty straight forward, the belt increases the visibility of the soldier, allowing vehicles to avoid hitting troops.
It's a simple fact that military uniforms increase the chances that a citizen or fellow service member will approach an individual for sexual relations. Like the classic BCG eyewear, the PT Belt not only wipes out the increase afforded by the uniform but also erodes the original appeal of the soldier. Basically, it's anti-sexy.