Articles

These are the 6 things that happened when the commander started Pokemon Go

First, the augmented reality game swept the barracks, and that was all right. But then it started filtering into the command suites and company headquarters.


When Pokemon Go got its claws/talons/hands/vines/paws/etc. into the commander, these 6 things happened:

1. Rare Pokemon delayed formations

(Photo illustration: WATM Logan Nye)

Sure, he told all of you to be formed up behind the company headquarters at 1730 for release formation, but that was before he found out a Charizard was hiding in one of the training areas.

Once that happened, he and his driver were jetting through the backwoods trying to get to it before its timer ran out. Meanwhile, the platoon leaders were left trying to find enough rocks for everyone to paint until he got back.

2. There were a lot more ruck marches and company runs

Only another 3 miles until the next egg hatches. (Photo illustration: WATM Logan Nye)

It starts to seem like your commander has more eggs than the dining facility. And each of those eggs needs a nice, short run before it will hatch. Unfortunately, the runs aren't so short when he has nine eggs stored up because his dog will no longer run with him.

Then there are the rucks. If some eggs still need love after the run, you can bet everyone is heading out for land nav or a long march.

3. Range operations gained a strange, new dynamic

New company policy: If a Tauros appears on a nearby hill, everyone is done firing. (Photo illustration: WATM Logan Nye)

Everyone is used to stopping range ops when wildlife appears, but it's a whole other thing to have to cease fire because the commander spotted an Eevee and wants to try catching it and naming it "Rainer" to get a Vaporeon.

If you don't understand that last sentence, it just means you haven't played Pokemon Go much. If you did understand it and have an Eevee, then try renaming it before it evolves. It usually works.

4. The unit kept getting volunteered for missions to obscure places

Kangaskhan is not impressed by your cobra blood rituals. (Photo illustration: Logan Nye)

You can get any Pokemon in an egg, but amid all the rumors that trainers can only catch Mr. Mime in Europe and Kangaskhan only wanders the plains of Australia, the commander started volunteering us for every overseas trip he could find.

Sure, he said that we were "voluntold," but the company orderly room folks overheard first sergeant's shouting match with him after the battalion planning meeting.

5. The 'E4 Mafia' taught him to cheat

Luckily, the local cell of the E4 mafia stepped in to salvage the situation. They hosted a secret meeting in the motor pool and invited the commander. Rumors circulated about the negotiations, but the final result was that the commander stopped his rampant volunteering, and the Joes in S6 borrowed the commander's phone for a while.

When he got it back, the old Android had been rooted and hacked, and the commander could travel around the world with just his imagination and a GPS spoofing program.

6. Once the E4 Mafia owned the commander, everything got ... topsy turvy

Of course, the E4 Mafia got plenty out of the deal. A few connexes fell off the property books and are now home to a shamming lounge and skating rink. The commander moved out of his office and the supply sergeant, a long supporter of the Mafia, is enjoying his new digs with the view.

But it worked out for the rest of us.