In company footprints all over the world, America’s finest are about to endure the Valentine’s Day safety brief—COVID-19 edition. We can only imagine what potential threats are being discussed at Battalion and what the subsequential government issued safety standards will be. Here to give you a rise (wink) is our projected list of what to expect.
- No, your go-to dancer does not count as “shelter in place” partners.
It has come to our attention that many of you have taken up the recommendation of the Dutch and found a COVID “partner” for sexual activity. Despite your belief of being her “only one” we have intel that suggests otherwise.
- No, we will not tell your wife you are in “special quarantine” this weekend.
Despite your best efforts, we will not cover for any of you claiming quarantine this weekend as a “hall pass.” To the three of you who already tried, please see medical for a rapid COVID test, results of which will be mailed directly to your spouses. Happy Valentine’s Day. - No, we will not clarify what does/does not count as a mask or “face covering” this weekend.
For the love of God, please quit sending reference pictures asking if “this” counts. We do not want to know.
- Previous contact tracing has led us to temporarily blacklist a local dancer by the name of (bleep).
Sergeants Davis, Fong and Private Richard please report to medical following this briefing for a “completely unrelated” and “routine “medical test.
- Yes, group gatherings are still against regulations this weekend.
Again, we will not clarify the meaning of this.
- Your chem gear is to be used for military-related chem incidents…only.
We do not want to know why several of you have made loss claims lately.
- The Commander’s earlier email about remaining six feet apart was not to be interpreted as a challenge.
The proximity suggested in today’s email was in no way a reference or challenge for intimate affairs, please do not reference the email in relation to your chosen activity’s proximity.
- Claiming you didn’t know it was him/her because of masks will still be considered fraternization.
We’re looking at you Drill Sergeants!
![military couple on valentine's day](https://www.wearethemighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/1000w_q75.jpg?strip=all&quality=95)
After reading the Valentine’s Day safety briefs that most people will ignore, make another good choice and shop for Valentine’s day gifts created by veteran entrepreneurs.