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The complete hater's guide to the US Navy

Editor's note: This is the fourth in a series about how branches of the military hate on each other. We'll feature all branches of the U.S. military, written by veterans of that branch being brutally honest with themselves and their services.


The branches of the U.S. military are like a very large family. They deal with one another because they have to, not because they always get along.

The differences don't stop at uniforms. Each branch has its own goals, mission, and its own internal culture. At the upper levels of the services, they compete for funds and favor from civilians in DoD. In the lower ranks, they compete for fun and favor from civilians in bars and strip clubs (especially in North Carolina). The branches are like siblings, competing for the intangible title of who's "the best" from no one in particular.

"The Soviets are our adversary. Our enemy is the Navy." —Gen. Curtis LeMay, U.S. Air Force

Of course, when it comes to joint operations downrange, a lot of that goes out the window. But when the op-tempo isn't as hectic and frustration has time to build, the awesome Army platoon who saved your ass last month become a bunch of damn stupid grunts who steal everything you don't lock down and leave their Gatorade piss bottles everywhere. Parsing out the best and worst of our services isn't hard if we're honest with ourselves.

Here's how the other branches hate on the Navy, how they should actually be hating on the Navy, how the Navy hates on the Navy, and why to really love the Navy.

The easiest ways to make fun of the Navy

Sailor harassment has its roots in the age-old reality that since man first decided to put military power to sea in ships, those aboard those ships were forced to spend weeks and months underway before being afforded a few days of downtime in a foreign port. As a result of this ratio, sailors may have had a tendency for exuberance while on liberty over the years. And that exuberance may have caused a scuffle or two that caught the attention of bar owners and other locals who may have developed impressions that were less than positive.

Over time these locals spread rumors that these sailors couldn't hold their liquor and tended to burn through what little cash they had in a short time. Word of these phenomena returned stateside, which gave birth to the saying, "spending money like a sailor on liberty."

Because sailors spend time on the water, service members from other military branches wanted to give them a nickname that was both sufficiently pejorative and germane. Naturally marine life came to mind. "Sharks" was too cool and tough and "guppies" was too cute, so they settled on "squids." So if you want to make fun of a sailor call him or her a "squid." They really hate that because squids are spineless and ugly and otherwise devoid of personality. (They can swim fast, but nobody really cares about that.)

Because SEALs. In the wake of the Bin Laden raid, SEALs have managed to morph from silent professionals to the warfare specialty that is quick to tell all to land book and movie deals.

 

Because Top Gun. No other military movie in history has done more to give the public the wrong idea about what it means to serve. And it's got a lot of homoerotic imagery, which leads to . . .

. . . The quickest way to strike a squid's nerve is to make "gay" jokes. Yes, you know the kind, "100 sailors go out, 50 couples come back," or "it ain't gay if it's under way," and many, many more. It also doesn't help that sailors are a popular gay fantasy.

Henri Belolo created the Village People around macho male stereotypes that gays fantasize about. The cowboy, cop, construction worker, leather-clad biker, Indian, and the sailor. The band became popular, moved into the mainstream and took the sailor in the cute Crackerjack uniform along with it. Yes, we said "cute." Admit it, the sailor dress uniform has more in common with the Japanese school girl uniform than with the other service branches.

Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course. This is, after all, the post-DADT world.

Because nuclear power. While the introduction of this science gave Navy ships the ability to sail a long, long time without refueling, the existence of it also created a zero-tolerance culture that has raised the bar of fun suppression to heights that can never be lowered. And this ability to sweat the load has crossed over into other warfare specialties and other branches of the military. Thanks, Nukes . . .

"And no girls 'cause they're icky, right?"

Why to actually hate the Navy

Every service tries to imitate the Marine Corps when it comes to celebrating its birthday, and the Navy's history makes this in many ways the biggest joke (which is a polite way to say "the biggest lie"). While the Navy uses October 13, 1775 as the birth date, they leave out the fact that the first version of the U.S. Navy was dismantled completely after the Revolutionary War because the ragtag bunch of vessels they managed to assemble on the fly did little to protect ports or disrupt the British in any way.

John Paul Jones kicks some British butt. Congress appreciated it so much they dismantled the Navy after the war.

And this anti-Navy sentiment in and around DC lasted a while after that. Thomas Jefferson hated the idea of a standing Navy and few in Congress thought any differently about it. It wasn't until early Navy badass Stephen Decatur decided to take a couple of ships to Tripoli to raise some Yankee hell against the Barbary Pirates. His successes made lawmakers take notice and actually warm to the idea of a standing Navy, and one with an over-the-horizon outlook.

Decatur Boarding a Tripolitan Gunboat. (Painting by Dennis M. Carter)

So the real birth date of the Navy would be somewhere around 1810 when Decatur took the USS United States up and down the east coast to show the American public what they had in terms of seagoing capability.

Hate SAPR training and the CYA leadership atmosphere you're currently serving under? Blame the Navy.

"Who here is thinking about it right now?"

All the mechanisms that surround using the military as a social experiment and other morale-sapping things that get labeled as "politically correct" started with the Tailhook Scandal in the early '90s. Of course, sexual battery, never mind harassment, is a bad thing that should never be tolerated, but Navy leadership over the years has done little to stop agenda-based over-corrections that have marginalized the culture in undesirable ways (in the eyes of those who intimate they know about warfighting and such).

So, regardless of your branch, if you feel like you're serving in a nanny state, blame the Navy.

Because Jimmy Carter. He's a Naval Academy grad and a submariner, but he never really acted like it when he was Commander-in-chief. His "man is inherently good" naivete made for some very bad foreign policy, most notably in how he de-fanged the CIA and emboldened the Iranian government to take Americans hostage for 444 days. And the Desert One rescue attempt was a disaster. Basically his time in the White House made the country very happy to see Ronald Reagan.

Jimmy Carter is pictured in his 1947 class portrait from the U.S. Naval Academy yearbook, the "Lucky Bag."

And because the Navy is the absolute worst when it comes to changing uniforms. Remember aviation greens? How about service dress khaki? No? Well, here's one for you: aquaflage. What are you hiding in, the water? And if a sailor is in the water don't you want to be able to see him or her? We rest our case.

Because they wrecked most of what was cool about the band Godsmack and made them corporate sellouts.

"Let the adventure begin and keep the checks coming, bitches!"

Because sailors don't have to eat MREs when they deploy. Ships are built with mess decks and Navy cooks (and supply officers) generally take pride in serving the crew good food.

Why to love the Navy

Because Navy SEALs. They popped OBL and the Somali pirates and many more high value bad actors since 9-11. Their warfighting skills are second to none.

Because Hollywood remains enamoured by Navy life, it keeps teeing up Navy-themed shows like "The Last Ship," and as a result, the general public has a favorable opinion of the military.

Because strike warfare. As has been the case throughout history U.S. Navy carriers and surface combatants were the first on the scene after 9-11, and because of that we were able to take it to the enemy a mere three weeks after the homeland was attacked.

Because the U.S. Navy really is, as the commercials state, "a global force for good." From Hurricane Katrina to the Haitian earthquake to the tsunami in Thailand, when a country needs humanitarian assistance, the Navy has always been first on the scene.

U.S. Navy air crew assigned to Helicopter Mine Countermeasures Squadron (HM) 15, Detachment 2, help Pakistani Soldiers load relief supplies aboard a U.S. Navy MH-53E Sea Dragon during humanitarian relief efforts. (U.S. Navy photo by Capt. Paul Duncan)

Because the Navy continues to fight "the war between the wars." The Navy goes to potentially hostile places like the littorals of Yemen and Chinese-claimed islands to prove to those nations that we're willing to protect the sea lanes to keep goods moving safely to and from our shores.

And the Navy also gets to show Jessica Simpson how to shoot a machine gun!

(H/t: SB and OV)

Now: The hater's guide to the US Marine Corps >

OR: The hater's guide to the US Air Force >

OR: The hater's guide to the US Army >

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