On Jan. 13, Fort Bragg Army Reserve soldier Johnny Charlestin was celebrating his birthday when he learned that a $3 Powerball ticket he bought was a $2 million winner.
"I didn't believe it, it was a feeling I'll never forget," Charlestin said in a press release from the N.C. Education Lottery. "It's the best birthday present I've ever had."
Charlestin then decided to leave the public spotlight, which is one of the things experts recommend lottery winners do. Hopefully this means he's smart enough to invest the money wisely.
But since he's a Fort Bragg soldier, there's also a real chance he'll spend his money this way:
1. Taxes will be taken out
30.75 percent, or $615,000 goes right back into government coffers. That leaves the enterprising soldier with $1,385,000.
2. Dip and jerky
The winner's first stop will be base shoppette where he'll pick up the proper amount of dip for millionaire soldiers, as well as a little jerky to much on.
3. New car
This is an obvious stop, but for some reason, the new millionaire will still take out loans of 20 percent or more. Over the next five years, that b-tchin' Corvette will cost him as much as a Lambo would've if he'd paid cash.
4. Electronics store
Every new video game console, 10-20 games for each, a huge TV, and surround sound. A few movies will round out the purchase, about 500 of them. Most of the movies are about World War II paratroopers.
5. Adult "book" store
This is for other movies. We will not explain further.
Finally, the soldier will find a new place to live. Unfortunately, he'll only realize after the fact that his surround system doesn't properly fill the new entertainment room with sound. Since he threw away the receipts, he'll buy a new one and give the old system to a groupie (he'll have those now).
7. Energy drinks
There are roughly infinity liquor stores at the Fort Bragg perimeter, as well as a Class VI store on base. These will become empty.
9. Noise citations
Once the party starts, Fayettnam police officers will be visiting every 15 minutes or so and writing a ticket. By the end of the night, the lottery money will be almost played out.
By the second week, the former millionaire will be attending finance classes on base and applying for an Army Emergency Relief loan to make his payments for the Corvette.